Of Spirits and Gods
by EntStories
Summary: Three years after the events of Trespasser Ellana Lavallen and the Inquisition are defeated at Skyhold by Fen'harel's forces. Bleeding out and dying Ellana makes a decision that could change well everything.
1. Chapter 1

**Of Gods and Spirits**

 **Chapter 1**

He had come, and with him a _reckoning_.

The death that spilled forth from his shadow was smothering. No longer Solas but the Dread Wolf, a stranger wearing the face of her heart.

 _Why had she let this happen..._

Ellana's breathing was labored as she fought to lift herself, she wanted to see him, needed to find him even as the blood streamed from every part of her body. This would be her punishment for her naivete. A reminder of what she could have saved, what she could have prevented. All around her, discarded as if they were little more than after thoughts - the remnants of the Inquisition. Her followers. Her friends. Her _people_.

She had fancied her plan to hold Skyhold from his forces quite the deterrent. A way to slow his machinations to a possible standstill. To buy time. She just needed time. But that had not been the case - she had stepped too far into his boundaries, and he had retaliated quickly and mercilessly. He had warned her, why hadn't she believed him. He had always been so serious, how did she think this would be any different? The bodies of the dead sprawled around her were a steep price to pay for too much faith in the temperament of a false god. Too much faith in love.

It was unbearable, and she was numb. No tears welled in her eyes, no pained exhale of sorrow. Nothing. She couldn't even regret. She felt hollow. Is this what they called shock? The comprehension too much to register?

Her fingers wrapped into a fist around the earth beneath her. An unconscious effort to remind herself that this was reality. A bitter taste in her mouth at the realization that she was but a shell of what she had been. Fen'harel had taken pieces of her, as if they were trophies, and she had only herself to blame. _To fight a god..._

 _Vhenan - a flash of his face_

It felt like wave after wave crashing upon her. She was drowning in it. Little bits of memory seeping into her being. Dorian's laughter. Bull's curses. Varric's stories. Sera's pranks. Blackwall's grin. Vivienne's composure. Cullen's loyalty. Cassandra's courage. Josephine's warmth. Snuffed out. All of it. He had destroyed all. of. it. They were gone. She would never hear or see any of them again. Why hadn't she listened. Corypheus had been a poor imitation of what Fen'harel is.

He was to her world what the Evanuris had been to his. The Dalish had been ironically right about him and she had been a fool.

 _May the Dread Wolf take you_

Ellana Lavellan, Inquisitor to the Inquisition, Herald of Andraste, Dalish First, dragon's Bane, First-Thaw, and Mage slowly rolled on her back, and in the face of the destruction of her entire world, began to laugh. She felt it bubbling up inside of her, each small sound wrenching from her body accompanied with the wetness of her blood.

 _Look at you, making light even in the darkest of times, pet_

She clenched her fist. Dorian. His face hovered before her, that cocky grin plastered lovingly on his lips. She'd seen it happen. Watched in horror as Fen'harel's blade had reced from his back, the Dread Wolf unsheathing it from his body as if he were an overly ornate scabbard. He'd fallen to his knees, a sight that had twisted her insides so entirely she'd sunken to the ground with him. She'd felt her spirit leave herself in that moment. He had murdered Dorian. He'd been the only one left...and now.

Now it was just her and _him_.

 _If you truly ever loved her Solas, then you..._

The tears finally came. Her vision of the pale sky above blurring, the laughter still wracking her body with each sob. He'd pleaded with the Dread Wolf. He had tried to champion their love, to beseech any part of Fen'harel that was still Solas, and he had been punished severely for it. Foolish...foolish, loving, caring Dorian...and when Bull had already...

 _Vhenan..._

 _...I would not have you see what I become._

If he was still her heart, then she had a black one indeed.

 _Ar lath ma_

Ellana squeezed her eyes shut against the onslaught of emotions that began to reverberated through her being. No, this would not be how it ended. Absolutely not. She'd crawl to him if she had to, he would not tear down the Veil while she still breathed. He would have to kill her first. _He would have to_. She could feel something building up inside of her, it was painful, it was _powerful._

 _ **Unlocked, unbound, unceasing...it hurts but I'll help**_

Cole.

 _ **Bleeding, burning, bursting bright, you are diminished but you are not dead. I can help...let me help.**_

Help? She was little more than blood and bones at this point, how could he possibly help?

 _ **Please, let me...**_

Ellana tried to concentrate on the voice, she needed to know if he was near, if he was in danger. It was getting harder to focus, the edges of the world fading away. _No, no please_. She needed to fight. _She would crawl to him god's be damned! She would crawl if she had to! She could NOT die._

"Cole..." the name a whisper on her lips. A prayer.

 _ **Yes, yes I'll help, you'll see!**_

She understood now why she couldn't pinpoint his whereabouts. His voice had been in her head. Ellana could feel it now, washing relief over her body. He was there for a moment in front of her, hovering as if he could fly. And maybe he could...maybe he always could. She'd never given it much thought after he had become more "spirit than human". His eyes looked directly into her, sad yet happy. That's not right, you can't be both, can you? If anyone could it would be Cole. She mulled over these thoughts even as she saw the threads of light appear, seemingly attached to herself and him, as if they were being interconnected, laced together. So very odd...And then he was descending. His essence poured into her, melded into her existence. She felt so much, _so very much_. Echos solidifying on her skin, beneath it. Agony, torment, pain, confusion, hatred, she was being choked by it - deep, dark, and dwelling. She was being consumed. And then all at once like her head had broken the surface of some all encompassing black sea, breathing for the first time, an airy-ness, lightness, lifting, lofty, _full._

 _So full..._

And they were one.

She wasn't sure how long it had taken, it felt like hours...it felt like seconds.

It was painful. It was _powerful._

It felt like a breath of fresh air gracing every part of her wounded body. Renewing and reinvigorating. Like taking a drink of crystal clear and cold water after having gone for decades without. If Cole was still there she didn't feel him in the way she had previously, they were intrinsically tied now. One being. She somehow knew he was alright and the relief that came with the knowledge was immeasurable.

He was quieter now. Content?

 _ **I have purpose...**_ __

There was a crackling in the air as The Herald of Andraste sat up slowly. She drug her hands over her body where her injuries had once been. Testing. Reassured when she found only faint traces of mars on her skin where gashes and holes had resided. Nothing but dried blood and stains lingered. He had healed her entirely. Then it hit her.

 _Hands._

Ellana turned her attention instantly to her left hand. It was there. A small jagged scar in the middle of her palm, a shadow of the anchor left as a memory. _A warning_. Somehow merging with Cole had made her whole again. She clenched and unclenched her fingers, testing her control. It was perfect, as if she hadn't gone without it for the past three years. As if he had never taken that part of her with him that day.

Using this new found strength she stood, casting her sight about the ruins of Skyhold's courtyard. Bodies lay lifeless as far as she could see, friends and foes alike. She knew who's body lied just over the steps to the main hall. The intricacies of his robe glinting in the dull light. Her feet moved of their own volition, taking her closer and closer to him. _Dorian._

 _ **So dim now...**_

Yes..so very dim now. She knelt beside him, gently turning him onto his back, the serenity of his demeanor causing her heart to ache. The silence of his character in death was in such stark contrast to the vivacity he had had during his life. His dazzling personality locked tightly inside the unyielding finality of his mortality. How could this have happened? Why had she been too slow? He had been her best friend, and she had failed him. Ellana let her hand trace the contours of his face, memorizing it as well as she could through the blurring of her vision as tears welled. There was blood..everywhere. Her eyes traveled down his body stopping at the gaping wound in his chest. _Gods, it must have hurt_. _It must have hurt even more knowing it had been Solas..._

The betrayal. The betrayer. A malice took root in her heart then. Turning with purpose Ellana gazed towards the entrance to the main keep.

 _Vhenan_

He had done this.

She could feel him more sharply now, whatever merging with Cole had done, it had definitely made her more aware of other mages. However, where the other Elvhen in Skyhold were shadowy pulses, Fen'harel was like a beating heart, solid. Her breath caught for amoment as she realized just how much more noticeable he was in comparison. Stronger. She shook the fear away before it could cling, closing her eyes. One deep breath after another, calming herself.

 _The Dread Wolf inspired hope in my friends, and fear in my enemies_

That had been an understatement. If this was what he truly felt like, the word dread did him no justice. But it didn't matter. Just another thing she can consider a lie of omission to pile up next to the regrets she has so meticulously gathered. No, she would not fear the Dread Wolf, even if she goes to her death now.

 _If..._

 _ **He isn't what you think**_

"Cole, don't."

She was in denial even now. Oddly, that was at least comforting, for it had been denial that kept her alive through her battles with Corypheus.

 _It had also been Solas..._

A noise pulled her from her torment. There, atop the stairs to the main hall, staring at her with wide eyes was Abelas. Ellana couldn't say it surprised her, she had been at the temple of Mythal, heard their secret exchanges. They studied one another a moment. Hers a look of understanding, his one of suspicion. Had he watched? Had the Dread Wolf sent him back to finish her off in his stead? Whatever the case, Abelas turned quickly and made his way into what had once been the throne room of the Inquisition - most likely to seek out his new master.

It was effortless really, she'd fadestepped before but this was something else entirely, like she crossed through terrain an air all at once, landing gracefully on the top step. She had a full view of the the banquet hall now, as the doors had been clearly destroyed in the battle. She noticed the back window first, once homage to her ancestry, now shatter like her people, pieces of it glittering on the floor about the throne as the light from the fading sun peered through. Half of the right side of the wall had been torn away. The entire room was in disarray, littered with the bodies of The Inquisition. How many had tried to stop him, what had their deaths been like. Had they hated her?

Steeling herself against the thoughts, her eyes once again found Abelas as he made his way to the dark silhouette that stood in sharp contrast to the light glinting off of the shattered glass. The sentinel moved with purpose, not so much hurrying as running to his Fen'harel and dropping to one knee before him.

 _No god need prove himself_

 _ **He didn't want this to happen  
**_ Cole. She could feel something aching inside her at those words, quenching the fury some.

"Fen'harel, the Inquisitor..."

Abelas trailed off as he glanced over his shoulder. So that was it, he could feel her presence as she could feel his. She smirked a little, the first time she had met the Sentinel he had regarded her with little more than faint irritation, now he looked downright terrified as she fadestepped once more, coming up just behind him. His eyes widened.

Ellana watched him stand to face her, blocking her view of the figure beyond - she wanted to hit him to be honest. There was a fury inside of her that she couldn't quite dispel, but this particular Elvhen was not the subject of her wrath. He was just _in the way,_ and she would fix that. __

A tingling sensation started in her fingertips, how would she do it? Fire, ice, force...she could pull him apart if she wanted, rip that smug face into a million pieces.  
 _ **  
Ellana**_

No, not now. Don't spoil it, Cole.

 _"Varem'an"_

She felt her breath hitch at the sound of his voice, dark and foreboding. Her reaction only served to infuriate her more. How dare just the mere sound of him hold that much power over her. _How dare it._

Abelas blanched at the command. _" Fen'harel...sathan.."_ Even as he spoke to Solas behind him he kept his eyes fixed on Ellana, waiting to shield his master if necessary.

 _"Daras."_ It was a command from The Dread Wolf, one the Sentinel knew better than to argue with, yet she could still see the inner argument he was having. Abelas didn't want to leave her alone with him. Ironic, considering the power play.

Ellana cocked her head "Well, run along puppy." her voice dripped with venom. His spine straightened noticeably as he all but angrily barged past her. A small victory. Petty, but she would take it.

Now they were alone.

She studied his back, taking in his presence, it was tangible, his power. Swirling around her, lightly prodding her new found one. All encompassing, it changed the feel of the room entirely. Ellana had only seen him once during the battle, when he had killed Dorian, when he had ripped her heart from her chest. In that moment he had looked the part of the villain, but now he felt like it. A tinge of pain settled in her when she noticed his hands were clasped nonchalantly at his back, too much like Solas, and not the Dread Wolf. Too familiar. And then her eyes came to rest on auburn locks of hair tumbling down his back, wrapped and beaded ceremoniously with assortments of metal clasps and soft leather twining. How had she not noticed this when she saw him earlier? It was such a blatant change.

He shifted slightly, the movement pulling her from her thoughts and setting her nerves aflame as his magic pushed more harshly against her own. Setting her chin high in defiance, Ellana willed away the feeling of suffocation, for when he did look upon her he would not see someone afraid, a subject to his power. He would see _her_.

Fen'harel spoke, the sound of his voice catching her off guard, his voice softer than before, more Solas than Dread Wolf.

"What have you done, _Vhenan_?"

She stared at his back, brows furrowing, processing his words. What had _she_ done? SHE? He has the _audacity_ in the wake of this blood soaked destruction to ask such a questions? In the wake of ripping away all that she held dear. In the wake of murdering her companions. Her people. Her friends. _HIS_ friends!

She could hear Dorian's laughter in the back of her mind, accompanied with a soft giggle from Sera. Something broke inside her then. Snapping.

 _ **It hurts...**_

Her voice spilled forth from her, softly at first, building in tension "You dare? This is my questions to ask, NOT yours!" The room shook. The air became alive with her own energy, it prickled her skin, spilling out of her fingertips. She could see his darkness recede some, dwarfed by her light.

Whether or not Fen'harel had felt the change he gave no indication. His back still rigid and facing her. He wouldn't even look at her. She was insignificant still. This pushed Ellana further over the edge of her resolve. How _dare_ he keep his eyes from her. How _dare_ he treat this paramount moment as if it was little more than a mere annoyance. No. He _owed_ her his undivided attention. This could not and _will_ not suffice.

 _"Ithast tarsul mar vhenan!_ _ **Brithenas fra'ahn mar solas eman dalem!**_ _"_ The ancient tongue of the Elvhen spilled out of her mouth effortlessly, whether or not it was Cole's doing, she did not know, but there was a deep satisfaction in speaking to Fen'harel in this language. It made them equals. No more lording his knowledge over her, no more secrets in front of her.

He turned then, slowly, obedient to her request, his left hand coming up to rest on the back of the throne. The movement giving her full view of the sword at his waist. The same sword that had been unceremoniously ripped from Dorian's body. Was it still covered in his blood? She followed the hilt of it with her eyes, glancing over the gleam of h is armor as her sight trailed up his body. He was cover in more than just the Tevinter's blood. It practically stained his being, splatters of it along his neck and chin.

How much of that was Cassandra's? How much of it was Blackwall's or Sera's? Bull's? How much...

 _Look at what your pride has wrought_

 _ **It hurts so much**_

She felt sick.

 _"Mathem?"_ there was a sneer in his voice taking her aback. His entire demeanor was foreign to her now. The hair billowing over his right shoulder did nothing to help how estranged she felt from him. It's like he was someone else entirely. It's like Solas had never existed.

 _I was Solas first, Fen'harel came later. An insult I took as a badge of pride._

When she did not answer, a mask of agitation covered his face. "Satisfied?" he repeated, dropping the Elvhen.

The snipe pulled her back to him. "I understood you the first time, Dread Wolf." Ellana watched as his hand squeezed the top of the throne at the sound of his title on her lips.

"Then you should answer, I have little time for games."

She bristled. "You have little time for games? The ancient Elvhen with all of his millennia? You speak to me with such contempt why not just strike me down where I stand? Or do you wish me to bend the knee like the rest of your good dogs. Worship you for "freeing" me of my slave markings?" She took a step forward, leveling herself with him next to the throne. His eyes followed her intensely his jaw clenching as she came ot a stop just short of a foot before him. Ellana could feel her magic pressing at his in this proximity, whether he allowed his to make way for hers, she could not tell, but she did notice as his started to coil and wrap around her own. Entangling. It was _intimate_. It was _intrusive_. He was not her Solas. _He would not do this_.

Her eyes met his defiantly, angrily holding his gaze. Spine made of rich steel. _"Diana'ra"_ Her voice stern. He would know this was not a request, but a demand. _He_ was the Evanuris now, and _she_ the rebel god. They were on two different sides of the coin, not the same. He would not manipulate her this way.

Fen'harel regarded her composure for a moment, his magic still wrapping itself around her own. The Dread Wolf's eyes were but slits as he allowed it to linger longer than necessary, testing her resolve. An eyebrow quirking as she shivered noticeably.

 _ **It hurts...it devours..dark jaws**_

No, he would not manipulate her this way. He would not break her.

 _"Dirth'ar ma'diana!"_ she screamed at him. He stopped instantly.

 _"Tamahn mah soun elgar"_ though his words felt kinder there was no change in the mocking look of his eyes. Another long moment passed before he continued, presumably, the thought struck Ellana bitterly, to let her regain herself. He still affected her, and he knew it. It pissed her off. How easily he had turned the tables. This had been a mistake, she'd walked in here with such determination, and she was already dwindling in his presence. He was devouring her, and he wasn't even trying.

"I did not want to do this, I told you to live your life, to stay away."

She scoffed. When she spoke she was surprised her voice remained steady. "You knew I wouldn't do that. I couldn't. I didn't save the world to have you turn around and destroy it so easily. I didn't bleed for this, for us, for nothing. I'm not here to try and sway you, we're well past that. You..." Ellana closed her eyes for a moment. She must keep calm. The fury was there but she would not let it consume her, not yet. "You have taken everything from me. My friends..they were your friends as well, you know. Dorian was your friend as well." The pleading edged its way into her voice involuntarily "Solas, what have you do-"

The Dread Wolf visibly flinched, and the like a storm breaking into a calm horizon he tore himself away from the throne and lunged at her. The suffocating feeling of his power once more pushing itself into her own, entangling, ruthless. Ellana cried out as she felt the full force of his body colliding with hers, a flash of green light echoing on the walls as her back hit stone floor, hard. The immediate weight of him on her panicking all of her senses into thrashed out trying to push him away, to free herself of his presence as it was smothering her entire being. Seeping into her skin. He smelled the same, the woods, the earth...he was someone else entirely but he was also familiar and it drove her mad thinking about it.

Cole had brought her back from the brink of death, made her strong...but he was _still_ stronger. He was so much stronger. He grabbed her hands effectively pinning them to the floor on either side of her head. His fingers interlaced with her own, crushing. Ceasing her weak attempts at defense.

"Enough!" He snarled. It was animal like. "You speak to me as if you would believe I have no notion of great loss, as if I did not warn you of the consequences!" Ellana turned her head, holding her breath , his eyes and scent were too much to bear. She could feel his magic forcing small cracks in her own, seeping in. His voice lit her on fire "No no _vhenan_ , you _will_ look at me!" She denied him. _"Itha fra'em!"_

Ellana felt it then, as it slid up her body and gripped the muscles in her neck. Straining, she fought with all her might as he forced her to face him once more. Where his grey irises had been now rested a swirling blue light. _Mythal._

"I told you I did not want you to witness what I would become! I begged you to live your life! To leave me! I did not want to do this! Don't you understand? I had to watch every single on of them die for you by my own hands! You knew I would eventually need Skyhold! You knew I would come for it!" Each word dripping with hatred, and Ellana couldn't tell whether it was for her or himself. They both were creatures of fury and regret now.

"You would place the blame on me?" the voice that came out of her was little more than a whisper. Hoarse and strained.

His grip on her lessened some, recognition flickering in those swirls. His voice softer, a whisper to match her own. "No _vhenan_ , but your romanticized notions of what I am capable of did no one any favors."

It stung. Those words. A nail in the coffin so to speak.

 _ **You hurt...he hurts...**_

She could feel her head singing below the waves again. Drowning.

"Why..." There it was, the blurring of the vision. Where was her resolve now? Strangled and tainted by his very touch. Why, why was everything so cruel? What had she done to be dealt this hand? What divine power had she wronged - ripped from her world, forced to defend another only to be powerless to save it from herself. From her own heart. Foolish. Swallowing back the bile that rose from somewhere deep within she shook as the words slid from her mouth, "I wish I could kill you" A confession. Fen'harels' grip tightened once more, his aura darkening.

She flinches as the tears start rolling down her cheeks. _But he could kill her..._

 __He leans forward his forehead touching her own, his hair sliding off of his shouldering and tickling her face, his body pressing further into her. "I know..." she can feel the sincerity of those words and it breaks her. She had been dying earlier, laying in the courtyard surrounded by the corpses of her friends. He had known she was there and he had left her to die. Alone. For all Ellana knew he had seen the moment one of his agents had struck her down. Had watched as they outnumbered her so entirely. He had let her fall, had not come to her aid. He had not stopped it. He had in essence, commanded it.

She hated him right then. She hated him because she still loved him. She hated him because he had killed Dorian, he had killed them all, and he was going to kill her. Discard her for a better world.

"No..." the word choked out through a sob. "You killed them, you left me to die. If Cole..."

 _"Vhenan"_ the word was a warning, one she would not heed. Her senses were overwhelmed, he was far too close, he was smothering her.

" _Vhenan_ , I could not..."

And with that the delicate thread of her sanity snapped.

"NO!" she only had a moment to register the shock on his face as he was propelled through the air landing hard on the throne behind, toppling it over with his the force of the impact. His magic retracting and enveloping him, returning to its core, ripping away from her. She could feel emptiness where it had been until her own filled in the holes, repairing, healing. She was on her feet instantly, a golden aura enveloping her body.

She regarded Fen'harel as he stood slowly, a look of madness about her. He eyed her warily, straightening the fur pelt that wrapped around his body.

"Ellana" No more _vhenan_ , no more games. "Even with that power, you stand no chance. You must know this." Calm, un-phased, as if he hadn't just been thrown away from her with such force a moment earlier.

She did know it, but she didn't care.

"You will have to kill me before you can finish what you started."

The sneer came back across his face, not before she caught the desperation that proceeded it. "You ask me to rip my own heart from my chest!"

She scoffed at his words. "How can it be so hard? You've done so to mine!"

He paled. "Ellana I _must_ do this. Why must you torment me further? Why can't you just go live what life you have left?" A green tinge replacing the blue of Mythal's power in his eyes. _His_ power, _The Dread Wolf_ , something familiar to her connected with the Fade itself. The wellspring.

She breathed in her resolve and continued, watching as every word was accompanied with growing shadows upon the wall in the room despite the sunlight still in the sky. So this was his power, dark and inky - such a terrible magic for someone who fancied them-self a savior. "How can I live when I am already dead, _vhenan_? You speak of torment as if you've not inflicted it upon yourself. As if you don't deserve it."

He took a menacing step forward, the shadows crawling along with him. "I'm well aware of what I deserve. A thousand lifetimes devoid of your presence if it would forgive me my sins. If it would make you happy, a thousand and a thousand." His words clawed at her, trying to tear some shred of her love for him out. "But I can not turn my back on the people. They need me, _vhenan_. I did this to them, I must set it right...in another world" He closed his eyes, the shadows shrinking some as he tried to find the words he wanted to say. "In another world, I would've stayed." When he opened his eyes again the green tinge waned, the shadows becoming ever smaller. His breathing becoming ragged. She stood rooted in place as she watched The Dread Wolf fall to his knees, an exasperated sigh of despair ripping from his chest.

Ellana watched him bewildered, her own anger replaced with suspicion, anxiety at his actions. What game was this? She felt her heart begin to beat faster, a pulling sensation in her chest. She could see the tears glinting in his eyes as he looked up at her in anguish. Fen'harel had become Solas once more before her.

"It would be a lie for me to say I am not tired of this. I know this is unfair. I know I play the role of the villain in this world, in your world." His arms lay at his sides, as he sat motionless and vulnerable. She tested the situation with her power, seeking out his own and finding none. He had retracted it completely. _What?_

"If you would save them Inquisitor... _Ellana_ , this is your chance."

 _ **He hurts...it's been so lonely, he sees their faces in his dreams**_

"Is this some trick, Dread Wolf?" her voice did little to aid her conviction. He remained still, quiet.

Everything in her warred. This is what she could have only hoped for, Fen'harel, laid bare like a sacrificial lamb. The Dread Wolf, giving her a _choice_. A choice that could save this world, that could stop mountains of blood from spilling across her love's hands. He was making it so easy, a gift. All she had to do was take it, all she had to do was...her heart clenched. A trepidation nestled into her mind. All she had to do was kill him. But why...why must he look this way? Why now? Why be Solas again? He was more Solas now than he had been in the last three years. How could she...no... _this_ was unfair. She took a step back shaking her head, raising her hands in defeat. How could she beat a villain that twisted her emotions so, how could she win against him?

 _You fool._

"This..this is cruel, I told you I could not..." The words stung, they stung because they were more true than she ever wanted them to be. She was, in the end, useless against him. The blade of her abilities had been dulled against him, worn down. _She was a fool._ How could she have brought her friends to stand against him, she had killed every single one of them. Every. Single. One.

He chuckled then, a sorrowful sound as he hung his head low, shaking it slightly. It was so _Solas_. "Then we are at a stand still, you can not kill me and I...I can not kill you. At least not this way"

It was all terrible. Truly. The feeling of utter helplessness. She wanted to go to him, to touch him. She wanted to throw him from edge of the mountain...she wanted to fall with him. Every fiber of her being was at war. For every part of her that wanted to step forward there was a part that wanted to flee.

 _ **Go to him...he hurts...**_

And that was all it took, that little voice, reassurance, her feet were moving before she knew what was happening. Arms enveloping him before she could stop herself, she was overwhelmed with a need to comfort him. To make it better. _Compassion_. Solas' body stiffened under her touch before he returned the gesture, his arms wrapping tightly around her. Yielding, pulling her onto his lap. Breathing in the scent as he buried his face in her hair.

How long could they stay like this? Forever? Would they turn to stone eventually, wrapped in each other.

 _Nothing lasts forever_

Ellana pulled away slightly and looked at him. Really looked at him, for the first time in years, eyes searching his own. He was foreign yet familiar. Her left hand slid into his hair, a smile forming on her lips. _This shouldn't be this easy..._ He was Fen'harel but she could see pieces of Solas there in the way his eyes roamed over her face. She felt her heart beat quicken as he leaned forward, his gaze finally resting on her lips. _This shouldn't be this easy._

He was so close, but this time it was natural, not forced. Only intimate. His hand slid to her neck, gently stroking her jaw with his thumb as he pulled her forward, angling slightly to accommodate the change in position. He stopped, his face only a breath away from her own, she could feel a warmth pooling in the pit of her stomach. He spoke softly, then, affectionately. _"Ar lath ma, vhena-"_ Ellana felt the world shatter as his sentence was abruptly cut off in a cry of pain. She jumped in confusion, her small moment of peace, broken.

She was touching him frantically as he buckled over in pain. "Solas!" his name a question that was answered as she noticed the arrow shaft protruding from his back. _No..._ She instinctively went to grab for it, to help brace him, panicking. As soon as her hand wrapped around the arrow she felt a burning sensation shoot through her arm, it was agonizing. Letting go with a cry of pain, realizing too late how the arrow was covered in runes that glowed a vibrant blue.

 _Lyrium_

Solas gripped her waist with his free hand in response to her cry. He was worried, she wanted to dwell on that notion, to hide away in it. "El..Ellana?" Her name came out through clenched teeth, he was clearly trying to keep the agony from lacing it.

Ellana would have answered except that her eyes were staring daggers at the figure they had come to rest on casting a long shadow upon the two. There, standing in the opening in the wall behind the fallen throne, was a woman. Had they scaled the keep? How? The only thing through that hole was open air and mountainside, _very steep_ mountainside. She watched as the figure notched another arrow, it was glowing just as the other. Panic rose in her at the realization "No! Please!" She scrambled out of Solas' grasp putting her body between his and the attacker. Her hands up as if to shield herself and all she loved. All she had left. _Fool._

The woman seemed to regard her curiously over the tip of the arrow, tilting her head. "You've got to be kidding me..." A click of the tongue, signaling their annoyance.

Focusing, Ellana could make out features, long auburn hair, not unlike that of Fen'harel's, it was in a sloppy braid over her right shoulder, June's Vallaslin adorned her face. A Dalish.

"Move Inquisitor." Commanding, no room for request.

"I will not." She could feel as her will became tangible, her magic thrumming up from the ground beneath her. The archer stiffened noticeably in response.

"You do realize, if this arrow can do to him what it did, you won't stand much of a chance, right?" The woman pulled the bowstring even more taut. Ellana considered it a moment, the arrow had actually harmed Fen'harel, would that mean death for her? After all, he was the god...

Behind her Ellana could hear the remaining Elvhen entering the hall. Of course. She'd nearly forgotten that many of the Dread Wolf's allies had lingered after the battle. She glanced down at where Solas sat clutching at his chest, Abelas had appeared at his side silently inspecting the damage.

And then everything happened at once.

Fen'harel made a feral, earthy sound as a green glow erupted from his being, it pulsated out - burning away the lyrium arrow. Ellana turned shielding her eyes as the force of it knocked her forward onto her knees. _This_ was his power. _It was overwhelming_. She scrambled back some, barely registering how Abelas bowed low, his forehead to the ground as the Dread Wolf howled angrily. It was terrifying. She had tried to use her own power to quell some of the turbulence but it was effortlessly ignored by Fen'harel's primitive force. She felt a hand on her shoulder and whirled around to see the woman, bow across her shoulder, green eyes piercing her.

"We need to go. _Now_." And with that the woman pulled her towards the opening in the back of the hall. Ellana didn't fight, there was no reason to. This was salvation. Glancing back at Solas, she watched as the green glow cast a dark shadow upon the walls of the room, inky in its appearance, solid. And then in horror - she watched as the shadow seemed to crawl towards him, enveloping his body, his voice twisting its howl to something entirely bestial.

"Inquisitor NOW" the voice was a mere echo in the back of her mind, muffled by the power before her.

He was changing into something...

 _Fen'harel The Dread Wolf_

 _ **He's angry**_

Fear struck her. It vibrated her being. _No._..he had been Solas again only moments before. He had shown her that he was still him, how could he change again so quickly? Why was everything so fleeting...

 _ **You need to leave, it's not your fault..he hurts, but you need to go**_

Cole? He sounded so much more clearer than he had been. Had he been speaking before?

 _ **He's afraid of hurting you...please go**_

Alright - even as her mind was finishing the thought she felt herself being pulled forcefully into the opening at the wall. Panic pulsated through her, where she had been nonchalant before she now realized where this was heading. "What are you do-!?" her sentence left unfinished as she was yanked out of the opening, a scream forming on her lips. One minute she saw the great expanse of the fall she was about to take. _Cole could fly, could she?_ And then her face collided with a feathery surface, a _warm_ feathery surface. She heard and ear piercing screech and tried to right herself, fumbling to grab anything to keep from falling off of whatever it was she was on. Ellana felt hands pulling her upright in a saddle big enough for two. She barely had time to register her surroundings before she felt a lurch and wind smack her in the face. The woman was facing her, oddly calm considering the circumstances. Much to her embarrassment she found that she was basically in the archer's lap. The world lurched once more and fell all around her, chaotic. _Gods what was happening, were they actually flying?_

"You can hold onto me until we land, not many people are used to this kind of travel." Ellana instantly wrapped her arms around the woman grateful for the stability even as she felt the heat rise to her cheeks. How pitiful she must look. The fabled Inquisitor basically petrified with fear. Some hero...

Ellana watched as Skyhold became smaller and smaller in the distance, a greenish hue enveloping the fortress.

 _Solas..._

 __

How long had they been flying ? At this point her limbs were numb from the cold air she was perpetually blanketed in. Her legs stiff and painful. The woman she clung to tightly seemed unfazed however. _How could anyone be used to traveling like this, what were they even riding?_ She could see in the distance mountains as they came in and out of her line of sight with the undulation of the creature they sat upon.

Her mind wondered where Skyhold was in the horizon. Where Solas was...

 _Fen'harel_

Gods she had been so stupid. She had been caught in him again, about to give into something - whether that be The Dread Wolf or her own desires, or maybe they were one in the same. Lying to herself did no good at this point. She felt ashamed. She felt pathetic. Her mind shifted, it was too exhausting to think about it. Lyrium arrows...this woman? The Dread Wolf, not just Fen'harel but the entity itself, was it truly Solas? Why did he seem like so many different people wrapped up in one skin -

Ellana's thoughts were interrupted as a screech shattered across the open sky. It was as ear-piercing as it had been the first time she heard it. _What was this thing?_ She pulled herself back slightly from the woman and turned her head to look behind her and take in her surroundings. A large wing came into her vision, and her jaw dropped as the subject of her curiosity came into her line of vision. The beast, somehow sensing her gaze, turned its head to the side, its golden and black eyes making her breath hitch. It was both beautiful and frightening to behold. _It can't be..._ She quickly turned away staring into the eyes of the woman who had pulled her onto the great beast. Amber orbs peered into green ones - she let her eyes travel down the archer, viewing the armor the woman was clad in, leather, the colors reminding her of Dalish hunting armor. And there upon her chest in polished silver, a locket with the insignia of a griffon.

 _Grey Wardens._

Author Notes:

Elvhen - Of course credited to my terrible understanding of the awesome work that Fenxshiral is doing

Rough translations

"Varem'an" - Leave us

"Daras." - Go (you)

"Ithast tarsul mar vhenan! Brithenas fra'ahn mar solas eman dalem!" - Gaze upon your heart! Look at what your pride has destroyed!

"Mathem?" - Satisfied?

"Diana'ra" - Stop

"Dirth'ar ma'diana!" - I told you to stop!

"Itha fra'em!" - Look at me!

"Tamahn mah soun elgar" - There is that strong spirit

"Ahnsul" - why

"Ar'eolasa" - I know


	2. Chapter 2

**Of Gods and Spirits**

 **Chapter 2** _ ****_

 _  
_It was an odd kind of feeling, this. _Flying_. Ellana never thought she would count it among her long list of "Shit That's Supposed to be Impossible and/or Against the Will of the Maker" that she has done. Either way, it worked wonders as a distraction. Too many terrible things had happened and none she wanted to currently sort through.

The Dalish woman wriggled slightly under her arms, settling int a more comfortable position on the griffon.

Oh... _right_. __

Feeling the heat rise to her face, despite the frigid air, she realized her arms were like vices around her companion. It was a little embarrassing, she loosened her grip while mumbling an apology that she knew would be lost on the wind rushing past. She fidgeted some, unsatisfied with the long silence that had accompanied the journey so far. Taking in a deep breath Ellana sat back and faced the woman once again, waiting for her attention to zone in on her. The woman's eyebrows raised slightly questioning the change.

"Are you uncomfortable? I've been like this for some time now..." She shouted trying to make sure her voice traveled the little space between them.

The response was a flat "Around an hour." No indication of whether she minded on way or the other.

"Really? That long? Well, I guess time flies when you're having fun..." Ah yes, humor even Varric would cringe at, her specialty. It garnered no reaction however. _Tough crowd_. She decided to continue, it was better than being left to her thoughts. "Is the griffon not tired? An hour seems a long time to carry two passengers while keeping flight, not that I'm an expert on extinct mythical creatures mind you, thought I've seen my share."

"Tamlen."

Ellana furrowed her brow in confusion, watching the landscape around her saunter slowly by - the griffon had slowed its flight some, the wind lessening in her ears. "What's a Tamlen?" She didn't have to try nearly as hard to speak now, which was a relief.

"The name of my extinct mythical creature."

She grinned hearing the teasing in the other woman's voice. So she _did_ have a sense of humor, albeit a dry one. Good to know. Maybe she would be a hidden gem like Cassandra had been, secretly reading smutty literature while no one was watching. A pang of guilt hit her gut at the thought. What was she doing, already trying to fit this woman neatly into an empty spot in her heart..as if anyone could replace what had been lost. She was thankful for the cold air, it was harder to cry when you couldn't feel your face. She needed another distraction.

"So, a griffon huh?" Relieved that her voice didn't sound as shaky as she would have assumed considering her state of mind. Grateful that her face was hidden again as she had leaned forward placing her forehead on the woman's shoulder.

The only people associated with griffons were the Grey Wardens. So it only made sense that this woman was one despite lacking the recognizable silver and blue armor - except of course the insignia she has on the silver locket around her neck. This lead to a string of questions in Ellan's mind. Why had only one warden come to Skyhold? It was no secret that Fen'harel's forces were many and that they marched on the fortress. It had taken them merely a day to breach the walls and reduce the inquisition to ashes. Who would send only on warden? Wren't there rumors of another blight in the Anderfels? Shouldn't they all be investigating that considering how low their numbers had truly dwindled. No thanks to herself, Ellana added bitterly. She thought of Alistair for a moment but quickly pushed his face to the back of her mind. Yet another regret.

She had to admit the woman seemed proficient with a bow, she had not felt her presence before the arrow struck, meaning she wasn't a mage. Though the choice of weapon should've made that obvious enough - not that it was unheard of for mages to use things other than a staff.

An image of an Elvhen sword being ripped from Dorian's body. Another of an arrow lodged in Cassandra's back, clear through the armor...Bull covering Sera's bloodied body in a fruitless attempt to save her, the blades cutting him down as Krem tried to reach him. As Ellana tried to reach him. She hadn't be able to pick Fen'harel out fast enough amongst the chaos, there had been no quick ending. She had failed as a leader and as a friend, it was her fault they were dead. He had been right, she had put too much faith in him as a good person.

An exasperated sigh saved her from the darkness that was trying to engulf her thoughts, "Yes, a griffon." blatant annoyance.

"Sorry, it's just a Dalish Grey Warden swoops into the stronghold of the Inquisition, shoots an Elvhen god in the back with some enchanted arrows, then escapes on her trusty griffon, all the while relinquishing very little information on who she might be. Which honestly I find unfair considering you know _exactly_ who I am."

She snorted "How could I not? Who else would be wrapped in the arms of The Dread Wolf?"

Ellana blanched, well at least she hadn't denied the warden bit, so we're getting somewhere.

"Ouch, I see my personal life travels far"

"Don't take it personally Inquisitor, we run in the same circles. Besides, I've seen worse."

She doubted that but took the road of humor instead of petty anger. "Awww.." Ellana drug the word out as if speaking to an old friend who had said something uncharacteristically endearing. "You really mean that? And here I thought I had a monopoly on crazy lovers intend on destroying the world."

"Have you met Hawke?"

That was a strange turn of subject.

"Uh, yes actually"

"Then you should know that you don't have such a monopoly. Also..." the woman shifted around again. "I didn't quite _swoop_ in, _swooping_ is bad." A small smile played at the corners of her mouth, her eyes seeming to glaze over as she traveled somewhere distant in her mind.

It was obvious that it was a joke only she understood and one that had an accompanying memory, but before Ellana could reply she felt herself lurch forward in the Grey Warden as they began to descend abruptly. Groaning, she wished she was facing forward, it was weird and nauseating to watch the world move past in the way it did. One of the many reasons she had allowed herself to stay latched onto her new found "friend".

"I take it.." her words cutting into a small squeal as she felt Tamlen dip more sharply downwards, small branches and leaves brushing her head "..we've arrived." She fought to keep the contents of her stomach in, people weren't meant to travel this way. She was sure of it. There was another quick jolt and the sound of the griffon's steps on the ground as she road the undulation of the canter, only daring to open her eyes once she was positive they were no longer moving. Thankfully, she hadn't embarrassed herself further by throwing up.

The first thing she noticed as she glanced about were all of the trees. The temperature rise was indicative of their change in elevation. Were they at the foot of the Frostbacks now? She spotted the sun through the canopies, it was setting to her left, the mountains to her right. They'd somehow crossed from the eastern side of them to the western side in the span of an hour or so. This was The Dales, or at least the outskirts of it.

"You can let go now"

The Elven woman's voice halting Ellana's curiosity. She instantly released her, sitting back gingerly, her thighs felt melded to the saddle beneath them, which she saw now was elegantly made. The Grey Warden slid gracefully off the griffon, turning back to help Ellana less than gracefully pry herself off, staggering as her feet hit the ground, blood rushing back to her legs.

"Shit!" She fell back clutching at Tamlen's feathers to keep from falling over. The beast huffed as if it were agitated but ultimately aided her by remaining still. "Sorry, buddy..."

That's when she heard it - laughter. _Genuine laughter._ Turning she watched as the woman tired to stifle it to no avail. It was musical, and Ellana found herself smiling despite the fact that the mirth was clearly directed at her predicament. "Well, I'm glad you find this amusing." Sarcasm oozing from every pore.

She shook her head, wiping a tear away. "Forgive me, you just remind me of someone I know, Inquisitor."

"If this is reminding you of someone you know, you must be acquainted with a great many terribly clumsy people."

"Well, only one really, but he's clumsy enough for an entire legion." Her hands came to rest on her hips as she sobered her appearance, rebuilding the stony facade she had shown until that moment. This gave Ellana her first real look at the woman. The hair was longer than she had noticed earlier, reaching her waist even as it draped over one shoulder in a loose braid. Strands of it spilled out around her face, the auburn color was deep and complimentary of her fair skin. Her Vallaslin was a dark brown, a variation of June's traveling from forehead to well below her neck. Green eyes that seemed unreal in their hue stared back at her, also studying. She mused that they might actually glow in the dark like a cat's. Another thing of note was that they shared a similar build, both small and lithe, easily discernable as she only wore leathers, absolutely no metal armor of any kind graced her body. Easier to slink around in the shadows. Effective considering her weapon of choice.

There was a kinship there, and it went beyond them both being Dalish. A thought struck her then.

"What clan are you from?"

The archer regarded her for a moment, suspicion surfacing in her eyes before she answered. "Sabrae."

 _What?_

Ellana had pegged her for the Grey Warden she was, she just hadn't known that she was _The_ Grey Warden. _This_ was the Hero of Fereldan? She was frozen in place as Lyna Marhariel walked past her patting the neck of Tamlen, a soft purring sound emanating in response.

"You're-"

"Yes." Lyna cut her off softly, her attention still on the griffon as it cooed.

Well, that certainly answered some things. Suddenly Ellana remembered Alistair. Her heart began to ache, this had been his lover...

 _ **You didn't do it to hurt her, you had to make a choice...**_

"Please Cole, not now..."

"What was that?" The Warden asked giving her a suspicious look.

 _Oh that? Just my friendly body sharing spirit of compassion._ Ellana sighed exaggerating the length of it, she'd have to get used to not answering Cole out loud as if he weren't already in her head.

"Nothing, just talking to myself." Not entirely a lie. "Where are we?" A change of subject seemed the best route at this point. She watched as Lyna whispered something lovingly to the griffon, patting it once more before releasing it. The creature was enormous when you really looked at it, no wonder it had no problem carrying them for such a long time. Its feathers were mixes of light and dark greys that lead into a brilliant white around the head and tail as well as the wing tips. The eyes were a golden color with deep black irises.

"Just outside of an old friend's hiding place." Odd way to put it.

"I take it we're in The Dales?"

"The outer borders of it, yes. Come." The Hero of Fereldan took off in the direction of the setting sun, glancing behind her to confirm Ellana's following. She made her way swiftly through the underbrush, barely making a sound. She had been a hunter for her clan there was no doubt in that. The deeper they followed the terrain down and into the forest, the more the already waning light was obscured by the foliage overhead, giving the journey an ominous feeling.

"What about Tamlen?"

"He'll come if I need him."

Ellana shrugged, _well alright then_. Maybe griffons worked like spirits, anything was possible at this point. It wasn't long before she started to notice the ruins. They were largely overgrown and decrepit, and very Elvhen. She paused to take in h er surroundings, it was reminiscent of an amphitheater, dipping into a basin where a large entrance stood, flanked by two stone dragons. Had it been dedicated to Mythal? Lyna continued her trek downwards ahead of Ellana as she noticed two figures sat next to a fire at the center of the entryway.

Once close enough to make out features she realized she had begun to smell something - something delicious. Oh gods...was that rabbit? She hadn't realized how hungry she had been until now.

"Ah there you are!" One of the two greeted Lyna happily. A weird sort of enthusiastic happily. "I was wondering how long you'd leave me with this grump, y ou know he hasn't stopped groaning since you left. All mages this, blood magic that." Another Dalish. This one had dark hair and a Vallaslin Ellana didn't recognize.

The hero laughed lightly, accepting the hug from the other. "I'm glad to see you haven't been killed in my absence Merrill."

Merrill guffawed "What? Fenris would never...oh, right, sarcasm." The ending of her statement punctuated with a scoff from the other who remained seated by the fire, cleaning a sword. And, another Dalish..no, Ellana focused on the silver haired main in front of her, Vallaslin didn't glow like that. Her eyes met his as he caught her staring.

"Like what you see or are you just rude?" His voice was deep and gravel like, fitting.

Before Ellana could answer she heard Lyna click her tongue. "Fenris, this is the Inquisitor."

 _Fenris, little wolf._

Ellana has had enough of wolves.

 _ **He barely remembers, but deep down he's battered, branded, burned into his skin, a mark he begged for a burden he never wanted...**_

Ellana blinked, disoriented, the man was staring at her, his eyes wide, and much too close. She was right in front of him somehow, her hands resting on his cheeks.

"How.." the fear in his voice was heavy, it weighed upon her senses. She jerked back, nearly stumbling into the fire.

"Wh-what did I just do?" She looked to Lyna who was watching her intently, Merrill's eyes were worried however. Ellana was positive she had been at least ten feet away from Fenris, how had she suddenly been right on him like that? How had she been unaware of her movements?

The Warden broke the awkward silence "I'm not...really sure. Regardless you gave Fenris quite the scare which is a feat in and of itself."

"He also didn't try to decapitate you for touching him. He doesn't like it." Merrill chimed in.

Was it the markings?

"Fasta vass." He growled at them. Did he just swear in Tevene? She was sure she had heard Dorian say that before.

"Sorry, I have no idea what came over me." Cole...

"Another mage doing weird shit? Perish the thought." She could swim in waves of venom rolling off of him.

"Fenris..." Merrill's voice, mother like.

"Forget it, I"m finished, I'm going to scout. Too many maleficarum here for my taste." She watched as he stalked right past her, making a point to meet her eyes as he said the world maleficarum.

"Oh!? You're a blood mage as well?" Ellana turned to the bubbly elf. _Blood mage too?_ This almost terrifyingly cheery person, was a _blood mage?_ Well, now that she was paying more attention, she could see the dark lines through her aura. Odd, it was mostly ethereal like how the others had been back in Skyhold, but there were lines like veins running through it that were more solid, pronounced. They reminded her of The Dread Wolf's magic.

"No, Merrill. This is the Inquisitor, I believe she specializes in the fairly new school of rift magic." That woman really did know farm too much about her. Lyna had made her way around to where Fenris had discarded his plate, she sat down next to the fire reaching for it and picking at the pieces of rabbit left. It reminded her of how Bull would pick at her own after a long day of Red Templar quelling.

 _Not now. She'd think about it later._

 _She'd think about everything later._

"Inquisitor? As in the Inquisition, Inquisitor?"

"Yes, that one." Lyna scoffed. "Is there another one I should know about?"

The blood mage came around the other side of the fire now, grabbing Ellana's left hand and staring at the palm intensely. She could see the disappointment as it fell over her face.

"It's gone." A simple statement that held years of her life. "How did you get rid of it?"

"I didn't."

Merrill looked at her questioningly.

 _I know vhenan, and we are running out of time..._

"It was taken..." By Fen'harel, along with her hand, she omitted that bit not having the energy to explain how she wasn't one armed any longer. How she was also most likely an abomination now.

"Oh, that's too bad."

Yes...yes that was too bad

 _Drawing you here gave me the chance to save you, at least for now.._.

His eyes clouded her vision.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when Merrill abruptly yanked at her arm, pulling her along. "Come, sit! You must be famished! I made rabbit, well I didn't make it you see, Fenris caught it, well he caught several. I didn't have much in the way of spices but I don't think it's too bland really." Ellana let herself be lead by the girl around to sit opposite the fire of Lyna who was too caught up in grabbing an actual share of the meal to care what was happening. She was sat down and handed a bowl a moment later. "There!" Merrill beamed expectantly.

Was she going to watch her until she actually ate it? Alright then...Ellana reached down into the bowl never breaking eye contact with the blood mage, grabbing a piece of meat and slowly bringing it up to her lips. She made an exaggerated "mmmmm" sound once she began chewing. The elf nodded her head as if in support of her grabbing another piece.

"Well?"

Ellana made another "mmmmm" sound as if to convey how delectable the rabbit meat was. It was apparently enough for Merrill as she clapped her hands together excitedly. "Oh good! So the crushed beetles _do_ enhance the taste, I thought that when the keeper had told me about them that she'd been playing a trick on me but it seems-" Her story trailed off as she became aware of Lyna and Ellana both choking on their dinner as they listened.

"Oh _Mythal'enaste_ she _was_ playing a trick wasn't she..." The elf whined as she watched them both sit their portions aside grabbing for any liquid available. "Ah...I put them in the mead as well..."

Another long moment of sputtering and chest beating ensued.

"I'll uh...I"ll go get some fresh water."

Ellana glanced up at Lyna after Merrill had taken off in whatever direction held the non-beetled water she couldn't wait to drink. "And I thought my friends were weird."

"In my defense, Hawkre found her. Well, I did know her first..." another cough just to be sure. "She's really quite harmless."

"She's a blood mage.."

"Well." The warden took a moment to consider that thought. "True."

She pulled her legs up to her chest, grateful for the warmth of the fire. It had gotten dark, a fact she hadn't noticed until now. "What is this place?" The dragon statues peered down at her from behind Lyna, guarding the entrance and the shadows it housed.

"To be honest, I'm not quite sure. I think it may have been a shrine to Mythal. Well, mostly Merrill thinks that, I'm not very knowledgeable on what pile of rocks represents which dead god."

Ellana stared at her blankly. Sera would've loved her.

"I was a hunter for my clan, not a keeper. Don't worry, I drove them mad with my nonchalance. Elvhen glory this, tradition that. I just wanted to live. Besides, the first remnants of Arlathan I ever came across ended up murdering my best friend."

"Well, that's tragic."

Lyna grinned. They were definitely alike. "So I'm told."  
 _ **  
The memories are painful, she blames herself**_

Blocking out the feelings trying to seep their way into consciousness, Ellana decided to pry for more information. "Why are we here?"

"Waiting."

 _Ok then._

"Why were you at Skyhold?"

"Truthfully? To try out something on an Elvhen god."

"And?"

"Imagine my surprise to find the Inquisitor alive and well and in such an intimate situation with the great adversary of our legends."

"Imagine that..." She was good at digging the knife in. It was effective, Ellana no longer felt like asking questions. "I'm tired." as those words Lyna stood up and walked over to where a pile of things were by one of the broken walls lining the supposed shrine. Moments later she was throwing a blanket and small straw pillow her way.

"Go ahead, I'm certain we have quite a lot of waiting left to do."

Spreading out the blanket she settled down trying to fluff the pillow a bit. Pointless, how do you fluff straw? She missed her bed at Skyhold. The crackle of the fire helped keep her mind blank, she didn't want to think right now. She wanted to sleep.

 _ **Heavy, hanging, holding on...so tired. You should sleep, we should sleep.**_ _****_

Yes, Cole.

She didn't know how long she lay there until finally drifting in and out of consciousness. She was vaguely aware of Merrill returning to the camp, placing something in front of her. A soft melody floating across the fire in the form of a voice. Whatever the song was, it was soothing.

She slept.

"Now how is this fair?" Cullen's voice rang through Ellana's ears.

"Them's the rules, Curly." Varric teased her commander mercilessly as he pointed at his shirt indicating that he was to take it off.

"Oh for the love of...FINE."

She could hear a chorus of laughter and cat calls as Cullen removed his shirt. Vivienne quirked and eyebrow in appreciation.

Hands slid onto her shoulders accompanied by a smooth voice in her ear. "Now that is what I call a fine specimen, makes you want to take gambling up as a hobby if it's against our good Templar here, don't you agree pet?"

Ellana turned quickly finding Dorian grinning slyly down at her. Her heart swelled as she returned his smile.

"Oy Commander tightpants is turning red as an apple in'he. I wonder if the rest of him is doin' it." Sera's voice followed by more laughter, Blackwall patted her hard on the back like a proud father.

Cullen scoffed "That's absurd."

Iron Bull joined in "It's a valid question, why don't you educate the class, Cullen? We Qunari sometimes turn shades of purple, it's the color of the skin you see." A disgusted noise punctuated his sentence from across the table. Ellana turned back to see Cassandra sitting with her face in her hand, shaking her head in exasperation. This garnered yet another boisterous chorus of laughter from the rest.

"Oh come now Seeker, everyone wants to know if the curtains match the drapes."

Cassandra placed her hands back on the table leaning forward, agitation written all over her face. "That is _not_ what they are referring to-!"

Varric cut her off focusing his attention down the other end of the table "Isn't that right Chuckles!"

Ellana felt herself go cold, Solas had never come to these get togethers. She slowly trained her eyes in the same direction as Varric's, her heart beating faster as they came to rest on _him_. He was looking right at her. Long auburn hair gracing his right shoulder, a tiny wolf skull adorning his forehead.

Her jaw clenched - the very sight of him making her bristle and she couldn't pinpoint why...something was off.

Had Solas had hair?

The world began to melt away around them, everything shifting and turning, only Solas remained a fixed point. She gasped as the distance between them shrunk until she was right in front of him so close she could reach out and touch him.

"I wondered when you would sleep." Solas' voice filled the air - dancing in swirls about her.

Ellana tried to focus on him harder. Something was off. The hair...the demeanor, it was Solas but it wasn't Solas.

 _May The Dread Wolf take you.._.a whisper that echoed through her being, she saw it then, the black wolf lurking behind him - its six red eyes burning into her soul. She took a step back only to be stopped by Fen'harel's hand wrapping around her left wrist.

"It took you a moment because we are one in the same. I am Solas _and_ I am Fen'harel. I can see that you're still at war with this knowledge." She glanced behind him to the wolf. "That is _me_ , _vhenan_."

Shaking her head she tried to pull away only to have his other hand come up and pull her to him, she felt her body go flush against his. It burned.

"No, no, _no_..please..." The pieces were falling in place now, this was The Fade. She was dreaming. They were all spirits acting out a part, they hadn't been real. They were dead. Fen'harel smoothed her hair as he held her through her sobs.

 _"Ir abelas, vhenan..."_ again in her language "I am...so sorry."

"Why are you here..you did this..." She spoke into his chest taking solace in the comfort he supplied, hating herself for it.

"I know." A quiet confession. "I am here because we need to speak about Cole."

Cole?

 _...What have you done vhenan?_ An echo of a question.

"You left me for dead, what was I supposed to do?" She pushed away from him then.

"Ellana this is not wise...what you have done-"

"What I have done? I have _survived_ , no thanks to you!"

She saw his jaw clench, his back become more rigid. "And what of Cole?"

"He's fine..."

"Is he?" He grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. "You have no idea what ancient rituals you have succumbed to in doing this. What path you are blindly stumbling down." She watched as he grew angrier and angrier. Or was it fear? It _could_ be fear, fancy that, causing fear in The Dread Wolf. If it wasn't that - she would make it so.

Breaking free from his grip once more she went on the offensive. "Don't fucking touch me! I'm sick of this! You did this, not me! I was dying, ALONE. Is that not your greatest fear that you left me to?!" She felt each syllable vibrate around her, growing in timbre, her emotions amplifying, becoming harder and harder to sort through.  
 _ **  
It hurts...it devours...**_

"Ellana stay calm, you don-" She screamed cutting him off - her frustration tearing itself from her body. Stay calm... _calm!?_ After everything he had done he has the audacity to stand there ordering her how to react!? She hated him then, she hated everything about him, his face, his hair, his skin, his eyes, his voice, hated it. HATED IT. She wanted to rip it all apart. Rip it to shreds. She felt everything in her turning dark as she lunged forward desperate to inflict whatever pain she could. Fen'harel caught her arms as she tried to hit him, shielding himself from her blows. _"Vhenan!"_

 _ **His heart. How condescending. How utterly horrific. Who would want to be his heart, a shell of a man, a pretender god. A liar.**_

Fen'harel stared at her, the fear was clear now, etched in his features. _Had he heard that?_ His grip tightened as he wrestled her down, pinning her beneath him.

 _ **Liar. Murderer. Petulant child. Everything he touches dies a thousand times before they are free of his shadow.**_

"This is not you...Ellana"

 _ **I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.**_

 _ **I love you.**_

She saw him bristle then. His eyes turning into a swirling green abyss. She didn't care, she'd rip him apart, he'd feel what she fe-

"ENOUGH" All at once he was both the wolf and man. His features hazing in and out - two eyes then six, black ink dripping from his fangs. Where it fell on her it began to expand, covering.

"What are you-" The question cut off as the ink slithered up her body and delved down her throat, forcing her to sputter as it invaded her. She jerked and strained against it, feeling his hands holding her down as she was trespassed from within. Panic gripped her, it was sobering bringing her back from the brink of the abyss where her mind had been balancing delicately.

 _ **No..no I need to help...**_

She could feel it wrapping around something, a part of her. What was happening, what was he doing to... Her hands clawed at anything they could, grasping disparately at his robes as she tried in vain to keep her eyes on him through the tears.

 _Please stop...why...why are you doing this_

And then she heard it softly in the back of her mind __

 _ **Please don't...**_

There it was. He had found what he was looking for, Ellana felt it constrict, smothering something as it began to retreat from her, pulling whatever it was along with it. She panicked. It screamed as she did, latching onto her as it was being forcefully dragged up. It was afraid. _ ****_

It was _Cole._ _ ****_

She felt like she was being disconnected from a part of herself, as it was pulled closer and closer to the surface. Her mind went blank, this was all too much. It was just...too much. He had killed them...Cole was all she had left, and now he was taking him away too. Ellana could feel the very core of her being begin to wither.

 _ **No**_ Cole's faint cry keeping her from going under completely. The fear in his voice reminding her of how she felt laying in the courtyard of Skyhold bleeding out...dying...the despair. __

_Please -_ her mind pleaded as she tightened her grip on the part of Fen'harel's arm she had finally latched onto - _don't take him too._

She could feel Fen'harel's grip on her loosen some. _Had he heard her?_

" _Vhenan"_ His voice oddly calm in the situation "I have to...you're corrup-" Ellana didn't have time to register the look of surprise on The Dread Wolf's face as a bright burst of light sent him flying. The dark tendrils that had invaded her - shrinking away and disappearing with his absence, allowing her to suck in one ragged breath after another while the world began to stir and turn about her, shifting in a swirl of blue light. She could hear Solas' voice in the back of her mind as she felt herself waking up.  
 _  
"Elgar'elvar'nas"_

 __

Ellana jolted upright, grabbing at her neck, she could still feel the lingering touches of what he had done to her. What _had_ he done to her? Was that his magic? His spirit? She remembered vaguely something Flemeth had told her about how a spirit could not be forced upon the unwilling. Yet, whatever he had done, it had been intrusive...like an onslaught.

How could anyone have that kind of power?

She felt a hand on her shoulder and wheeled around to see Lyna sitting next to her. "You looked like you were having a nightmare, so I woke you. Is everything ok?"

It was still dark out. Merrill was asleep across the fire and Fenris had sat himself a little further back, his eyes fixed on Ellana. Judging. She shook her head, she must not have been asleep for that long. "I'm fine..."

"You know, I've been lied to enough to spot it almost instantly."

"Sorry, I just...really don't want to talk about it." Her voice was hoarse, her throat felt raw...

"I remember the tales of The Dread Wolf stalking our dreams.."

"Don't"

The Warden regarded her for a moment then relented. " Alright then, I'm going to try to get some sleep, Fenris will-" the last word trailing off as she glanced around searching. Fenris stood, grabbing the sword at his side and unsheathing it. Merrill remained...asleep.

"Who's there?"

A sound, faint, the snapping of a twig - somehow Ellana knew it had been deliberate, as if the person had wanted to be heard.

"Who do you think is there, you twit?" came the reply. It was sassier than she had expected. Well, she wasn't sure what she had expected. Darkspawn, demons, Fen'harel's agents...

Lyna and Fenris visibly relaxed as a woman came into the firelight. She was dark skinned, piercings adorned her face. A human.

"Where are the others, Isabela?" Fenris moved towards the woman even as Lyna questioned her. Ellana watched in disbelief as the man sheathed his sword and wrapped his arms around the darker female, kissing her hard on the mouth. They lingered like that until Lyna cleared her throat, Fenris immediately broke away.

"They're coming, we found a live one, well barely alive. He had somehow crawled his way outside of the gates of Skyhold, leaving quite the trail of blood. Hawke noticed him, poor bastard." Isabela turned her attention back to Fenris, leaning in closely to whisper something.

Hawke?

Hawke was here too? And someone was alive? One of her soldiers?

Ellana looked pas the newcomer to where two more figures were coming into sight, one was very clearly Hawke, and the other a blonde man. She could see his magic, it was blue and swirled, her eyes were drawn to a bright spot at his core however. It was part of him yet it was something else entirely. She noticed then, that he had stopped and was returning her stare, giving her the same look she was giving him.

"You made Shale carry him alone, because of course you did." Lyna crossed her arms disapprovingly.

"To be fair, she did volunteer." The blonde man's voice was both soothing and raspy, not at all what she was expecting.

"She's the big golem thingy, besides we just trekked across a mountain range you know, not everyone has a griffon. We get tired, she doesn't." Isabela flopped down haphazardly next to where Merrill was still sound asleep, grabbing a plate of rabbit Lyna had discarded earlier. Ellana took note that the warden did nothing to warn her of the blood mage's peculiar ingredient. She smirked a little as her eyes focused in on two glowing orbs coming closer to where the others were. And that must be Shale, as she came into view the blue crystals speckled across her frame glittered in the firelight. Living rock. It reminded her of the Titan...

She was listing the similarities when she felt her heart stop. An anxiety taking hold of her as she tried to process what she saw. There, in the rocky arms of Shale...was Dorian.


	3. Chapter 3

**Of Gods and Spirits**

 **Chapter 3**

"You know he still loves you."

Ellana glanced up from the war table, she had been contemplating the different advantages Skyhold would have against a siege; terrain being first and foremost, the new integrity of the keep being a close second. Dorian was standing next to one of the newly restored windows, gazing out over the expanse of the Frostbacks.

"I like to think he does..." Her voice was no more than a whisper, afraid Solas could hear her if she spoke too loudly. He's a god after all.

The Tevinter fixed her with a stare. "You'd like to _think_ he does? The man helped you stop a Qunari invasion. Something that honestly would've furthered his cause if he were to just _let it happen_. You're a weak spot for him." He came around to stand in front of her. "Isn't that just marvelous."

" _How_ is that marvelous?"

"He would have let the anchor kill you if he didn't want even a semblance of a chance for things to turn out differently, no?"

She thought about the prospect for a moment, it would have been easier if Solas had just let her die. Let the anchor consume her from within. Almost poetic. He said so himself on several occasions that she was a force to be reckoned with. It gave her a tiny bit of hope.

He continued "Besides, I do love a good romance novel, even if the male lead is less than my type."

Ellana raised an eyebrow "Not one for ancient Elvhen gods?"

"I'm not one for bald men, pet. Nothing to grab onto." He scoffed.

"But Bull doesn't ha-"

The Tevinter gave her a look as if to say "Really?"

 _Oh...the horns. Of course._

She grinned mischievously, regarding Dorian with a playful arch of one eyebrow. "You really _ride him like a bull?_ "

"What other use would I have for the horns?"

"How...does that work?"

"Oh my dear, it works _perfectly_ "

She laughed as Dorian made an obscene motion grabbing ahold of invisible horns.

Another voice joined in their merriment. "Well Sparkler, I'll be sure to add this in my next chapter of "The Merry Band of Assholes" once I get back to Kirkwall."

Dorian beamed, only stopping the gesture when he deemed it necessary. "Ah! Master Dwarf, so glad you could make it. If you'd like I can give you a special viewing of some more charm later for my...dedicated chapters." He leaned down conspiratorially. "I assume I have dedicated chapters."

Varric grinned. "It wouldn't be true to your character if you didn't."

"Ah, good man." Patting him on the shoulder.

The dwarf turned his attention back to Ellana, she smiled in greeting. "And how have you been Snowflake?"

"The usual, still trying to save the world, nothing new except the whole preparing to withstand a siege from Fen'harel's forces bit." She hugged him, it was nice having them all back at Skyhold. "I'm surprised they let you leave Kirkwall with Starkhaven's impending threat still lingering on the horizon." Obvious mocking in her tone as she had despised her correspondence with Sebastian Vael during the time of The Breach . He had proven quite the child with all of his self righteousness. Insufferable didn't even begin to cut it.

The man needed to get laid.

"You call it a threat, I call it a temper tantrum. I left Aveline in charge, that woman's got a spine of dragonbone, I'm sure she'll be juuuuuust fine. Between you and I, they like her more."

"I don't doubt it from the letters I've read."

"Oh! Quick to hit a man while he's down! Speaking of, where is our lady seeker, she wasn't at the gate to greet me with that sunny personality of hers."

"I think she's with Blackwall and Scout Harding working out which walls of the keep will do the better job in housing the archers." Ellana laughed.

Dorian leaned against the war table, crossing his arms. "You realize we might be hunkered down here for quite some time? They say Solas' forces are as large as the Inquisition's. I have a feeling they may be larger, in fact."

It was just like Dorian to keep referring to Solas as well..Solas, even after he had taken her arm and everyone resolved to calling him Fen'harel out of a means to disconnect their feelings from the task at hand. A constant reminder to Ellana that he was still Solas. On one hand she appreciated it, on the other it tugged at emotions she'd rather not deal with.

She remembered the night he had left her standing there bare faced and broken. She knew now that he'd been so close to telling her the truth then. Sometimes she would lie awake and sift through her mind, filtering through the things she could've done differently to have him trust her, and then she would dream and those too would be filled with emptiness because he was never there. Just echoes of her loneliness. He had been the one thing she had opened her heart to, and yet she hadn't been enough to receive the same. The look on his face when she asked to join him. The torment. Why must it be like this, countless nights freezing in a far too large bed. She'd acquired a wolf pelt the last winter, wrapping it around herself as if the very fact that it shared his namesake would allow her to feel him near once more.

How pathetic.

Varric snorted. "Like I said, Kirkwall will be just fine until I return, I have a thing or two to say to Chuckles, assuming we survive."

"Of course we'll survive, we've fought worse than Solas. Well, maybe I'm being subjective. Regardless we have quite the secret weapon, isn't that right, pet?"

She felt his eyes fall on her as she fiddled around with war pieces that had been left scattered about the large table. "I _hope_ you're not referring to me."

"Of course I'm referring to you. Solas is a lot of things, but I don't think he's heartless."

"No, I don't suppose he is."

Dorian placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly "We'll be fine."

She smiled weakly, she would cling to that lie for now.

Anders was stronger than he looked, practically lifting Ellana off her feet and carrying her in the opposite direction of where Merrill tended to Dorian.

"You _need_ to calm down. He needs to rest."

"Put me down." This was demeaning - humiliating and infuriating all at once.

A small laugh. "Yeah give me a sec." he stopped abruptly placing her back on the ground, before she could move rocky arms enclosed around her. _Shale._

"You-!" She struggled trying to free herself of the Golem's vice like grip - but it was no use. The thought struck her to use her magic but even as she tried to call upon something _anything_ she felt her it being suppressed. What?

Anders raised his finger in warning. "Ah ah! You stay here like a good little Inquisitor while I go tend to your half dead friend." This was ridiculous, she just wanted to be by his side. She wouldn't interfere! Didn't he understand? Why was he treating her like a child?

She had thought he was dead and now... _gods she needed to go to him_.

" _Please,_ I just want to see him..." She wasn't beyond begging, not when it came to her friends.

Anders ignored her and stalked back to the makeshift bed they had created for Dorian, leaning down to speak with Merrill. Fenris and Lyna stood off to the side as Hawke came up to her. "Don't worry, Anders is quite the healer."

"What kind of healer blows up a Chantry..." She immediately regretted the words. There was no point in picking a fight.

Hawke pursed his lips in reply making a nonchalant gesture with his face as if to say "fair"

Ellana sighed "I didn't mean that..I just.." her words trailed off for fear of the tears that would accompany the rest.

"I know." Hawke folded his arms, leaning against Shale like a wall. "Just trust me, he'll be ok. I've watched this man work miracles."

He would need a miracle after what Fen'harel had done. The image of the sword run clear through Dorian entangling itself in her mind once more. His face began clouding her thoughts again. That wasn't Solas...She could feel his presence then, his magic around her neck.

 _Don't think about it._

A sound of disgust pulled her out of the depths of her mind, it was Fenris.

Hawke fixed him with a look, a warning in his eyes. "Oh hush you."

"Is it truly him that works the miracles, or the spirit he shares his skin with?"

"I said hush."

The realization struck her then that it was probably for the best that she didn't announce her predicament with Cole. Fenris didn't seem the type to take kindly to it and from what she knew of him from Varric, he had a temper. She had enough of a headache with him already just by being a mage. She watched as he rolled his eyes obnoxiously, making sure to let Hawke know just exactly how he felt, but in the end he relinquished, switching his focus to her instead. "Comfortable?" Ellana contemplated his tone, was he teasing her? The man was harder to read than Vivienne.

She tested the theory. " _Very_ , I just _love_ being held against my will by a monstrously strong dwarven relic. Why don't you be a gentleman and tell it to let me go?"

The golem scoffed. A female voice. "It would do well to stop pestering me. It chirps more than a bird, and I _hate_ birds." Shale tightened her grip as Fenris smirked.

Ellana was annoyed now. Yeah, _real_ funny asshole. Anger nestled in her being. "Or maybe I should just cast a spell on your and _make_ you free me." _You cheeky little shit_.

He visibly stiffened. _Ah, there we go, got under his skin._ Fenris closed the distance between them, leaning in close, growling. "I'd like to see you try, mage." My he had a way with anger, it rolled off of him in droves. Ellana didn't care however, she'd continue to prod the lion, or wolf in this case, she had dealt with enough hatred of her kind, and to see the magic infused in his markings ignited her animosity more. _Hypocrite._

She fixed him with a glare as Hawke's hand laid gently on his chest pushing him back. "Come now, there's no need to get huffy. You two play nice."

Something gripped her then, a need to hurt. Primal and raw. She had no idea where it came from but it influenced her entirely. She despised the way he condescended to her, the way his smug mouth curled into that mocking sneer. Treating her and Merrill as if they were not self aware enough to understand their own nature. _Who the fuck does he think he is?_ Talking to her as if they're equals, he may have power but it was _nothing_ in comparison to hers. _Nothing_. He would not get away with this, someone so beneath her. She'd hurt him.

 _She'd enjoy doing it._

"Don't blame me for how weak willed your sister was." The words came out even as Ellana pondered how she knew of his sister.

The Hero of Fereldan stepped in then, quickly grabbing Fenris' other arm in sync with Hawke, restraining him. There was hatred evident in his eyes. She smiled back at it.

" _Fenris!"_ Hawke maneuvered to stand in front of him. "Look at me, _look at me!"_

He fought for a moment, blind rage fueling his actions until Isabela appeared seemingly out of nowhere placing herself between Hawke and him, her hand on his cheek as she spoke - Ellana couldn't hear the words but whatever they were they had a soothing effect as the elf calmed significantly, his full attention on the human.

 _Ah that's right, they're together._

Ellana clicked her tongue at the thought. _A weak spot_. Her mind was twisting inside, becoming unrecognizable. The malicious waters rising above her head, quieting her conscious. She was unaware of Lyna studying her, a knowing look in her eyes.

" _Yes Fenris_ , be a _good dog_ and sit." The condescension practically oozed out of her.

He bristled once more. _"Vishante Kaffas!"_ Spitting on the ground as a punctuation, Fenris wrenched away from Isabela and stomped off.

 _ **Weak. What a sad sad puppy.**_

Ellana had the grin plastered on her face right up to the moment when Isabela slapped it off of her. "You inconsiderate bitch." She spat. "I'll shove my foot so far up your ass you won't be able to shit for days you-"

"MAKER'S ASS, can NONE of you control yourselves better than children. STOP THIS!" The annoyance was palpable as the Champion of Kirkwall pulled Isabela back. "For fuck's sake just go make sure he's ok." Hawke turned to Ellana "And I don't know what's ruined your happy persona but if you don't fix it I don't care how many demon armies you defeated I _will_ fucking fix it for you."

She cocked her head giving Hawke a less than impressed look. "Care to test that? I had to clean up after one of your half assed jobs already. Or has Corypheus fled your memory? I suppose it runs in the family, your father couldn't even do it properly."

 _ **Please stop...**_

 _ **No, they're all weak. Beneath me, I can hurt them so easily, I**_ _ **will**_ _ **hurt them.**_

 _ **We need help...**_

Hawke's golden eyes darkened, hands clenching. For a second it looked as if he might take up the offer but Lyna shook her head.

"Ellana that's enough. You're not yourself."

 _I'm more myself than I've ever been. No more catering to fools, I've fixed enough problems, damn the rest. Ingrates, wretches, my lessers. I've wasted enough time saving them._

The current was pulling her down. She would hurt them, they would fall like the insignificant flies they were.

There was a small sound, somewhere deep within, a humming.

 _ **You're hurting them...us**_

 _Vhenan_

His face was before her, shocking her senses awake.

 _Come back._

A hand reaching beneath the waves, dragging her above the surface. A breath, a jerking movement, awareness - like coming awake.

 _What..? What had she just done? What had she said?_

She looked around trying to focus on anything that could help her understand what had happened. She still felt trapped in her mind. Heavy. The way they looked at her sent a bolt of uneasiness down her spine.

"Hawke?" soft, not so much a question as reassurance she was still in her own body. That it was her own voice. There was a lump in her throat, she felt awful, as if something was clinging, pulling her down. _So heavy._

 _ **It's ok...**_ ****

 _Cole?_

 _ **You can listen now, it's ok...he found you**_

 _Who found me? I was gone?_

Silence.

Emotions swam in Ellana's mind, a torrent bombarding her. Where had she gone? She could barely remember much more than speaking, what she had said eluded her. Why couldn't she remember? What was happening to her? An agonizing cry pierced her inner turmoil. _Dorian._ She focused back on where Merrill and Anders sat, her heart racing.

"What?..."

She looked to Hawke frantically, "What are they doing?" his screams were assailing her senses. So much pain. The Champion remained quiet, grimly watching the scene before her. _No...no dammit someone answer her!_

A blue light illuminated the air around Anders. It was coming from what seemed like cracks in his skin, as if whatever power he was drawing upon was just beneath his surface trying to break free. She watched as he placed his hands on Dorian's chest, focusing the power and causing her friend to writhe in agony. This was too much, she was so helpless. So very helpless. His screams tore her apart inside. The logical part of her understood that it was unlikely they were hurting him purposefully but the other side of her just wanted to be next to him. It also wanted to backhand Anders as far away from him as possible.

Shale's arms served as a reminder that she was probably there for a reason.

She felt Lyna touch her shoulder reassuringly. "It's fine, trust me."

 _ **I must tear to mend...prying, pulling, peeling you must destroy before you create…don't be afraid, he's helping…**_

Ellana closed her eyes as the voice washed through her being, calming - _thank you, Cole._

She didn't know how long she stood there in the golem's grip as Dorian's screams echoed through the night. By the time dawn began to break he had gone silent, but Anders still stood above him pouring magic into his body. It seemed an impossibly endless source, like a wellspring. She had begun to count the rocks beneath her feet to keep from going insane not knowing what was happening or what was going to happen. When the eery quiet came, one devoid of the hum of magical energy, Ellana felt Shale release her. She toppled over onto her knees, not expecting the sudden absence of stability, she felt someone help her stand - it was Merrill.

"Come. He's doing _much_ better." The blood mage lead her toward where the Tevinter lay still, she saw as Isabela and Hawke helped Anders make his way over to a bedroll. The brilliant blue that had encompassed his body gone, and when Ellana focused on his magic she could see it was much duller than it was before, the bright orb at his core so much smaller. The man himself looked unimaginably tired. A shell.

Dorian's moan drew her attention, the hole that had been in his chest was entirely closed, a faint scar the only proof of its previous existence. She fell to her knees beside him, grabbing his hand. "Dorian?" his eyes were open but hadn't been focused on anything until she spoke. He blinked, turning his head slightly to study her.

"Pet?"

She mustered a small smile. _"Yes."_ her other hand coming up to touch his cheek, stroking. She watched as his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Where's that _damned_ dwarf?"

Her heart stopped. "Dwarf?"

"Yes, Varric and Blackwall, they'd dragged me out of Skyhold but I lost consciousness. I assume they're here? I Want to thank them, and hit Varric over his head for calling me fat."

Blackwall and Varric alive? She couldn't process the way his words made her feel.

"They're not here, Hawke and the other found you, they thought you'd gotten beyond the gates on your own."

He smiled at that. "Well, I may have uncontestable dashing looks but even I can't pull off something like that after being skewered." patting her hand. "I do appreciate the sentiment though. Quite the confidence boost."

She laughed. "Ever the modest." she felt the tears forming. Dorian tsked and wiped away the first one to spill loose.

"Now now pet, I'm here, I'm fine. Which leads me to the question of exactly how I _got_ fine…" he touched his abdomen gingerly, testing the scar.

"Anders - " Ellana didn't actually know how to explain what he had done. It had something to do with the small blue orb inside him, that much was obvious, but the type of work done here went far beyond the capabilities of average healing magic.

"Ander's spirit amplifies his abilities, prior to Justice he was already a talented healer. You could say the spirit works as a foci for him to funnel his magic through. At least, that's the conclusion we've come to." Hawke explained as he came up beside them. "It's all _very_ mysterious. I'd venture to say we know more about blood magic than we do about the situation Anders is in."

Sharing your body with a spirit. That's why he had looked at her the way he had when they'd first met. She could see his spirit and he could see hers.

"Ah Hawke, so _good_ to see you in these dark times."

"You as well, _Master_ Pavus." Those two could have a tournament based solely around how sarcastic one could be with the other.

Ellana smiled to herself. He was ok. He was alive. The last thought a reminder of a certain dwarf and man. "Hawke, Dorian says Varric and Blackwall were with him before you found him unconscious, if we could I'd like to try to find them."

Hawke regarded her a moment. "I'll send Fenris and Isabela after them, both are exceptional trackers -"

"But I want to help, they're my-"

"I'm afraid you have bigger matters to attend to, Inquisitor." It was Lyna. "The first being the situation you put the Theirin bloodline in and the other being the situation you put yourself in with the spirit you're merged with. This of course doesn't cover the whole Fen'harel's lover part, which in the realm of things will have to wait."

Anxiety gripped her. _Of course they knew_ , these weren't your average run of the mill people, The Champion of Kirkwall and The Hero of Fereldan. She felt a need to be defensive, reasoning her case. "I was dying, Cole…"

Dorian blanched, how he lost more color than he already had was a mystery. "You ... _merged_ with Cole?"

"He asked me to, I didn't..I didn't have a choice." He'd been the only one there, Solas had left her for dead.

"Oh Ellana..." He trailed off, pity evident in his eyes. It made her feel horrible and small.

"Like I said that's the second thing we'll address, the first being where Alistair is." And there it was. She rubbed her temples, this was going to be tiring. "You know where he is, it's not like it's a secret. Another choice I was forced to make."

The Hero of Fereldan knelt down beside her "I'm not blaming you. I'm sure he did nothing in terms of his own self-preservation, he's a bit daft when it comes to that. But, I'll need you to help me go get him."

Ellana looked at her like she had two heads. "Go get him? As in go into the Fade physically, _again_. And get him?"

"Yes." Such a simple answer to an incredibly complicated question.

"You do realize I did that with the anchor and I no longer have it, right? And even then I didn't do it on purpose."

"Oh I don't necessarily mean that _you_ have to be the one opening the way. We'll leave that to The Dread Wolf himself if my other plan doesn't work."

Ellana's eyes widened. _What?_

Hawke chuckled. "Well, this should be good."

"You see I came to Skyhold because I planned to use Fen'harel's powers to enter the Fade, there's been reports of him tearing holes in the Veil during battle, much like the breach, and summoning aid. Oddly enough no one ever says they're demons, which means it must be a two way gate. As we know demons are created when a spirit is forcefully pulled through, with no way back."

Ellana raised her hand to stop her. "How do you know so much about the subject of spirits and demons exactly?"

"I know people."

"What, like ancient Elvhen people?"

Lyna dismissed her. "Perhaps, anyway, the Lyrium arrows I used on Fen'harel were meant to imbalance him. Throw his powers into chaos, which worked - as you saw. It just worked too well, the runes aren't correct yet. Had we stayed at Skyhold there's no evidence we would've survived what I forced out of him."

She saw the memory of his form twisting and changing in her mind, the way he had used his magic to invade her. _It had been terrifying._

 _May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent_

"I'll need to get the arrows re-enchanted properly, and we'll need to confront him once more. Though I have no guarantee that it will turn out differently. I have a feeling your presence will make this all far easier to accomplish."

"You put a lot of faith in his care for me, you know he left me for dead-"

"Yes, yet where were you when I made my appearance?" The cat-like eyes of the Hero of Fereldan fixed her with a knowing look.

 _Ar lath ma_ _…_

No. She closed her eyes shaking her head "I still don't understand what you want me to do…"

"Inquisitor, I had assumed upon my arrival that you were already dead along with the rest of the Inquisition. However, your survival has opened up a new option for me."

Ellana put her full attention on the woman, waiting.

"I want you to go to him and I want you to get the anchor back, then I want you to tear a hole in the Veil and help me find Alistair."

 ****Abelas made his way into the the inner sanctum of _Tarasyl'an Te'las_ , it was a wonder to him that The Inquisition had never stumbled upon just how large their fortress truly was. It enveloped most of the peak it rested on, tunneling deep into the mountain. The Dread Wolf sat before him on a throne made of dragonbone and lyrium. He was staring intently at his hands. Abelas could see a sorrow etched in his features, one that reminded him of Mythal. It was a noticeable weight that held them down. The burdens of a god.

 _"Ar ame din'venuralas, Abelas"_ Fen'harel's voice gently pushed aside the silence.

He dropped to his knee instantly. _"Ar eolasa, Fen'harel. Ar ju'enan sul'ema myathash iras ra nuvenathe. Ra elvyr'el ghi'laena shemlen vis esh'an dhrua'ena ma sa."_

" _Esh'an har'ena, esh'an din'myathash."_

" _Esh_ _'_ _an ane len ehn tel_ _'_ _eolasa sast on_ _'_ _el._ _" Abelas glanced back up to where the rebel god resided, looking him in the eyes. "_ _Ma ju_ _'_ _enas rahn_ _'_ _enas gonun esh_ _'_ _an ju_ _'_ _ena din_ _'_ _elvar_ _'_ _nas sastrahn._ _"_

"I could've done it much sooner with the orb." There was no real conviction in his words, they sounded like an afterthought, a role.

Abelas took the change to the younger language as a sign he should as well. "She still lives."

"I know."

"She will come back, sooner or later you'll have to end it."

"I know."

Did he though? Abelas was always on the boundary of believing The Dread Wolf's words but could never quite let go of his actions. He should have killed the Inquisitor while she laid there dying, instead he had wholly ignored her - the way you ignore an infection in a small wound. It could ultimately kill you in the end if left unchecked.

Fen'harel stood up from the throne, straightening the pelt around him. _"Sul'ema em durgen'lin."_

" _Vin, Fen'harel."_

Abelas left the last of the Evanuris to fetch the child of stone.

Solas sighed, he knew he would have to find Ellana again, her merge with Cole would do no one any good and could potentially destroy all of his work. He glanced down at his hands once more, they looked clean but he knew the lie of it. A sudden urge to go to her pulsated through his body. This happened from time to time, the primal part of him begging to be heard. He boxed it neatly away.

 _"Ar ju'enan ma'revas, vhenan."_

He would or he would have to kill her.

Author Notes:

Elvhen - Of course credited to my terrible understanding of the awesome work that Fenxshiral is doing

Rough translations

"Ar ame din'venuralas, Abelas" - I am not a god, Abelas.

"Ar'eolasa, Fen'harel. Ar ju'enan sul'ema myathash iras ra nuvenathe. Ra elvyr'el ghi'laena shemlen vis esh'an dhrua'ena ma sa." - I know Fen'harel. I will give honor where it is due. It is easier if they (quick children - The Dalish) believe you are one.

"Esh'an har'ena, esh'an din'myathash." - They fear me, they do not respect me.

"Esh'an ane len ehn tel'eolasa sast on'el" - They are children they do not know any better.

"Ma ju'enas rahn'enas gonun esh'an ju'ena din'elvar'nas sastrahn." - You will make things right and they will not matter.

"Sul'ema em durgen'lin." - Bring me the dwarf (child of stone)

"Vin, Fen'harel" - Yes, Fen'harel

"Ar ju'enan ma'revas, vhenan." - I will free you my heart

"Ar lath ma" - I love you


	4. Chapter 4

**Of Gods and Spirits** _****_

**Chapter 4**

 _ ****_Anders sat silently across from Ellana, some sort of bread in his hand. He made meticulous work of the food, pulling it apart gingerly, assessing it before finally plopping it haphazardly into his mouth. She wondered whether he was like this about everything. Methodical in intent. For as disheveled as he appeared, there was an analytical side to him, he paid close attention to detail. They had been traveling together for four days now, she knew they were somewhere in The Emerald Graves. In that time she had only heard him speak to Hawke, never to anyone else, odd considering how vocal he had been to her over Dorian. She studied him for a moment longer, taking in the rugged look he pulled off well. He was dressed for travel, a fur lining his leathers that reminded her of Cullen. His hair was as blonde as her commander's had been, but much longer, he kept it pulled into a messy ponytail. The mage had stubble growing on his face - _Someone needs a shave_. __

"You know, the longer you stare at me, the better looking I become" His blue eyes connected with hers, an eyebrow quirked slightly. Ellana turned her attention immediately, a tinge of red in her cheeks at the possibility that he thought she was staring at him out of appreciation. She could never tell if the man was joking or flirting when he _did_ talk. She rolled her eyes.

"You assume you're good looking to begin with, that's your problem."

"Is it? I don't know, I've been pulled into a brothel or two for free." She didn't have to look at him to know there was a cocky grin plastered on his face.

She feigned surprise "Really? Brothels do charity work these days?"

He regarded her with a smirk. "Clever."

"I try."

And then Anders was standing, the abrupt movement catching her off guard as he moved towards her. She watched him cautiously, keeping track of that blue glow at his core, it seemed calm, putting her at ease. The healer leaned down in front of her, his gaze coming level with her own, he offered up the rest of his mystery bread.

"You haven't eaten at all today, Inquisitor, or the _last_ _three for that matter_. You should keep your strength." She stared down at the food blinking dumbly - _three days?_ She couldn't remember being hungry, come to think of it - she couldn't remember the taste of the last food she had eaten. After the beetle rabbit debacle she just...hadn't been hungry? _Ellana it's been days, how could you not be hungry?_

"It happens." She looked back to Anders, a gentler emotion graced his face now. Concern? "I would forget to eat as well, your consciousness is mixed with a spirit's, your needs are their own. Spirits have no need of food..it's one of the many ways this" He gestures as if trying to encompass them both in the motion ".. _situation_ can destroy a person. You forget to keep your mortality as the dominant" He took her hand and placed the bread in it. His fingers lingering on her skin. He was cool to the touch, nothing like the fire Fen'harel was. "It's a good thing you have me to mentor you." Ellana sat there stunned, bread in hand as he took a seat next to her on the fallen log. "I'll make sure you don't wither away into nothingness, after all, you're sort of a pivotal part of our good Grey Warden's plans, I owe her you not dying."

"Thanks..." the sarcasm in her voice evident at his dismissal of her usefulness on her own.

He chose to ignore it "Oh, you're _very_ welcome." this man was both insufferable and... great company, she had to admit. She laughed a little. He smiled at her in return, it didn't quite reach his eyes, always melancholy those amber orbs. A tinge of sadness laced her heart, she knew his past through stories and rumors, some from Hawke. She knew that he and Hawke had once had a thing, but it had ended badly - how they had remained companions was anyone's guess. Solas and her had not...it had been impossible...how do you remain friends with someone who wants to destroy the world?

A hand rested atop her shoulder, she focused back on Anders. "Do you like cats?"

"What?"

"You know precious little furballs, they-"

"I know what a cat is, Anders."

"Ah well, I have a cat, er _had_ a cat. His name is Ser Pounce-a-lot."

"Ser...Pounce-a-lot?" this was ridiculous, how had he gone from the silent brooding type to _this_?

"Yes, the wardens made me give it away during my time at Amaranthine though, made me _too soft_ they said." His hand squeezed her shoulder some. "I'd like to have remained that way." the cheer in his voice gone now, leaving the seriousness of a man aged through countless horrors. "Ellana, do try not to let your emotions corrupt what is inside of you. It'll end badly..for everyone."

How does he go from cats named Ser Pounce-a-lot to such a depressing note? The mage was truly an enigma.

"Is that what is happening when I lose track of time?" When she had found herself suddenly in front of Fenris - or when she had lashed out at Hawke.

"Most likely. It becomes dark areas in your memory, you're still aware of it, but you can't quite remember what it was." He sighed deeply. He clearly knew this from experience. "Justice...became the more dominant part of me for a while. My anger had turned him into vengeance, a mindless alternative to the mercy that he could've granted without it."

"Justice?"

"My spirit...he was a spirit of Justice, and for a time he became a spirit of Vengeance. As you know, when a spirit is pulled against its will through the Veil it becomes a demon. I think we work much in the same way, they're beings of emotion, and if we let something consume us, it changes their very purpose."

Ellana pondered the notion. Her emotions were nowhere near stable, and it had been effecting Cole in turn. She had been changing him from within...her sweet, soft spoken spirit. _Gods, how could she not have seen this coming, how could she have let him merge with her in this state._ She feared for him now, how could she get control of herself when she knew where their destination was and who stood at the end of it, waiting. If she didn't keep herself in check would Cole be changed forever? Would there be any way of reversing it? Would there be any way of reclaiming herself?

 _You do not know what ancient rituals you have succumbed to_

"How did you stop it?"

He shook his head. "I didn't stop it, I've just learned how to keep it under control. It takes time and practice." He patted her shoulder in an almost fatherly manner. "I'll help you, Ellana." She felt a weight lifted from her chest then, he was the only person she knew that had any idea what she was feeling. Both of them sharing their body with a spirit, both of them feeling as if they're more than one person. She managed a small smile of gratitude.

 _ **He'll help us**_

 _ **He's a healer, he'll keep us from hurting people**_

 _Yes, Cole. He'll help us._

"Anders, I...thank you, I'm-"

"Do you two need a room?" It was Hawke's voice that came barreling into their secret exchange. Ellana jumped and pushed away from Anders, swatting his hand from her shoulder, standing abruptly. She felt like an idiot, even if they hadn't been doing anything they sure looked guilty now. She groaned inwardly, meeting Hawke's gaze, trying to explain her situation with her eyes.

"Yes, one preferably decorated lavishly and with lots of food. And a cat" Anders replied lazily, stretching. She watched as the two men stared at each other, Hawke seemingly unamused at Anders' attempt at humor.

"I see." The Champion of Kirkwall turned his attention to Ellana. "Lyna would like to speak with you, we're about a day out from the Arbor Wilds. She'd like to know where the Temple of Mythal is."

Ellana felt her blood run cold. Why _that_ temple? The place the Wellspring had been taken by Morrigan. She remembered how disgusted Solas had looked when the apostate had entered the pool. She remembered how much she had regretted not taking it for herself. She remembered how she had saved Abelas' life when he had tried to stop the witch. A bitter feeling resonated through her - she should have let him _die_.

"Why are we going to the Temple of Mythal?"

"Take it up with Lyna, I'm just here to make sure things don't go completely to shit." She watched as he turned his attention back to Anders. Ellana took that as a cue to leave, she didn't want to hear their exchange. She didn't want to be witness to the accusations, if there were any, especially considering they might include herself.

Lyna was sat next to Tamlen, holding a crude map in her hands, turning it this way and that to get a better view with the sunlight. She noticed Ellana and gave her a nod "Good, Hawke didn't take his time for once." She sat the map flat on the ground, pointing at the area slightly center and north in the Wilds. "I know from the Inquisition's reports that the Temple of Mythal is somewhere in this area, would you do me a favor and show me the exact location?"

A favor? Ellana crossed her arms. "First, tell me why we have to go to that gods forsaken place."

"I need the Eluvian there."

 _"That_ _Eluvian_ is shattered into a million little pieces, what use could you possibly have for it?"

"You'll see."

"I"ll see? You want me to take you to a place most likely still crawling with Ancient Elvhen Sentinals, a place where Corypheus nearly killed me for a third time, and you give me next to no information as to why?"

Lyna rolled her eyes. "You're being dramatic."

 _What?_

" _I'm_ being dramatic?" Ellana ground her teeth. "You're the one who wants me to reclaim the Anchor and tear a hole in the Veil to save someone we don't even know is still alive! All the while Fen'harel sits in Skyhold amassing an even larger army than it took to completely obliterate my forces. Explain to me how chasing a fancy is helping anything?"

"Alistair is not some fleeting daydream. He's _alive_ and he is _needed_." Her tone was icy, no emotional reaction to the outburst. She remained calculated as she spoke. "Let me make it abundantly clear, Inquisitor. If I could do this without you any faster, I would. You're not exactly a shining beacon of loyalty that I can place my trust in. You've literally slept with the enemy, so forgive me if I refrain from telling you _all_ of my plans."

Ellana flinched. _You've literally slept with the enemy._ Was this what it felt like to not be in charge? She couldn't remember a time that everyone wasn't looking to her for guidance. She couldn't remember a time that she wasn't the one with the most titles or heroic deeds under her belt. She had hated it, but she had grown accustomed to it. Throwing her weight around to get things moving towards the solution she desired. And here she was, standing before the legendary Hero of Fereldan being judged for the actions of the person misfortune had fated her to love. She couldn't quite blame her, this is something she herself would've done. The realization was sobering, and it hurt. They were so very much alike.

"I didn't...sleep with him for what it's worth." She had no idea why she was volunteering the information, but it felt like it needed to be cleared.

Lyna regarded her with skepticism. "Oh? Was he a celibate god?"

"He...it doesn't matter." she resolved herself in that moment, defeated. She would help Lyna find the temple. Crouching down, she touched the map gently, as if it would shock her for relinquishing such knowledge. "Here."

The Grey Warden marked it quickly, rolling it up, and tucking it into a pouch on Tamlen's saddle. "We'll leave at first light tomorrow, that's only about a day and a half travel from here."

A thought struck Ellana then, _they had a griffon_ , why were they traveling on foot to the Temple of Mythal when Tamlen could reach it in hours. "Why exactly are we walking there?"

"Tamlen is leaving, I need this map delivered to someone, and I need that person to come to me in a timely manner."

"Who?" when Lyna made no indication that she would answer Ellana ran a hand over her face in exasperation. _Fine, don't tell me._

"Get some rest Inquisitor." with that The Hero of Fereldan walked deeper into the forest, leading her griffon, effectively dismissing any further conversation.

This time, she was the follower. It'd been so long since she had felt insignificant in the presence of others. It was humbling, and it was infuriating. She'd shed so much blood for this world...yet so had Lyna. Her heart ached for a moment, fate had dealt them both such a shit hand.

 _She was truly the most beautiful and terrifying woman I had ever met, I wanted to protect her and hide from her, but mostly I wanted to kiss her..._ The memory of Alistair's face as he sat there like a lovesick puppy trying to describe The Hero of Fereldan to her.

 _It's ok, the world needs you and Hawke more than it ever needed me._ Ellana swallowed down her guilt. She had left Alistair in The Fade to die...she owed it to him to at least _check_ to see if he was somehow still alive. The world was falling down around her as she sank to her knees. How many choices had she made that she now carried with her, little badges honoring how terrible of a person she truly was. It _should_ have been her, had she not had the Anchor it _would_ have been her. She was nothing special outside of an ill timed unfortunate series of events. She wasn't born into greatness, destined by her blood - she had accidentally become special. Her legacy was made a reality by a _mistake._ She had been the First to the Keeper of Clan Lavellan, and she'd been terrible even at that. Her hands came up to cover her face as the first tears began to fall.

 _ **It's ok**_ __

No. It really wasn't. It really _really_ wasn't.

 _ **Please don't hurt...**_

Cole's voice floated into her thoughts, mingling with the despair there.

 _ **You tried. You cared, please don't do this to yourself...you deserve more**_

 _I deserve nothing, Cole. I failed._

 _ **That's not what Dorian thinks...**_

She felt arms encircle her shoulders then. _Dorian._ The scent of lavender and spice gave him away immediately. Had Cole been aware of him? Sensed him? __

"There there, pet." The magister settled himself behind her, pulling her into an embrace. She let herself be lead to him, tucking her face into the crook of his neck clinging to him. His hand stroked her hair lovingly. "No need for tears, I'm alive, and on the bright side, the scar really adds to my allure." Of course this is where Dorian would take the conversation at a time like this, turning it around to be about him. She smiled, even as her thoughts remained dark, how glad she was that he lived. How glad she was that his blood wasn't on her hands.

He rocked them slowly, humming slightly as he cradled her in his arms like a loving parent. "I know it's hard, I know you feel defeated. I know...I know I may have romanticized Solas a little too naively." That was putting it lightly, he had killed Dorian in cold blood, had simply cut him down without a second thought. "And I'm a little miffed that he, you know, ran his sword through my chest and all that. Especially considering my outfit, truly a work of art, the bloodstains are never going to come out and I'm not sure I want to even _try_ to fix the gaping hole." Ellana giggled in spite of herself, even as the tears continued, the mage truly was one of a kind. He always knew how to make her feel better, no matter what had happened. She had been thankful that he was the one she traveled through time with, that he was the one she could confide in. He had always been there for her, and he still was. After the abandonment of Solas, Dorian had treated her like she was a queen, doting on her. Making sure she ate properly, making sure she cared for herself. Making sure she felt loved. He slowly mended her heart, _her soul._

She shut her eyes, steeling herself for what she knew she had to say.

"Dorian...Bull, I-"

He squeezed her tightly, cutting her off "No, it wasn't your fault, don't you _dare_ apologize."

She pulled back to look up at him. "But I-"

"You what? You loosed the arrow? Your hand brought the blade down? Ellana, you didn't _do_ it." He pulled her quickly back against him. "And anyone that tries to say differently you let me know, I'm rather proficient in Necromancy these days, I'll lecture them, then I'll kill them, then bring them back from the dead just to lecture them some more."

"That seems a little much don't you think?" She could hear the laughter in her voice.

"My lady I am nothing if not melodramatic, it's a part of my charm."

"So it is." They sat in silence after that, finding comfort in the presence of one another. She noticed Dorian's aura then, funny how her focus on it would come and go..she needed to figure out how to control it. She watched as it pulsed lightly under her hand, a deep purple, it reminded her of the night sky, glittering with small lights that made her think of stars. It fit him perfectly. Her mind thought back to when she had seen Fen'harel's. How solid his had been in comparison to the others, a swirling green haze, _The Fade made flesh_. All consuming, all powerful. Overwhelming, but it had not held any candle to the shadowy power he also wielded. That had been black, an abyss, no light lived in it. It was dark and devouring.

Dorian shifted slightly, she moved to accommodate him.

"You know pet, as touching as this is, we really should actually go lie down." She hugged him tighter, breathing in the lavender scent before releasing him to fumble her way to her feet, he followed her up, brushing off the fabric of his robes. She could see the gaping hole in the chest now, a lump in her throat. It must've hurt...so badly...

Pushing the dark thoughts away, Ellana reached for Dorian's hand, feeling the warmth of his fingers. He was alive, he was ok.

 _It's ok_

He allowed her to tug him along as she made her way over to where the others lay next to the campfire. Fenris was the only one still noticeably awake, his back to one of the large trees memorializing some long forgotten Emerald Knight. His eyes followed them as she settled on a bedroll pulling Dorian down with her. Let him judge her she didn't care, she was too tired to rifle through the complexities of his disdain for her right now. Dorian squeezed her hand, she saw him watching her as well.

"Let's sleep, pet." He smiled in the firelight, it was soft and endearing. They had slept next to one another every night since the journey to The Arbor Wilds had begun. She was immeasurably thankful for his selflessness when it came to their friendship. There had been many nights where he had laid next to her as she tossed and turned in fits from the nightmares she had after Solas disappeared - Bull had watched over them those times, making sure they both slept soundly. The memory wrapped itself around her heart and constricted, they were always looking out for her...

When she should be the one protecting _them_.

Ellana closed her eyes and snuggled into Dorian's embrace as they lay side by side, she felt the rise and fall of his chest. And even though memories of her friends she'd rather not think about surfaced, she found herself lulling into sleep from the rhythm of it.

 _It's ok...  
_

 __

"Do you like it?"

Ellana turned to see Cullen standing in the doorway of the war room, beaming at her. His fur did not adorn his figure, he must've removed his coat. Odd.

"I love it." She smiled brightly and ran her hand along the edges of the newly polished war table. When they had first arrived at Skyhold the table had been glorious, but it had also been in a terrible state. To see it restored to its former glory was something else. The intricacies of the carvings marking off the areas of Thedas were astonishing really. Whoever had done this had done it was such care and precision. Almost as if by magic. She ran her fingers over the symbol representing Skyhold.

"It took me forever to figure out who would do it justice, but finally Josephine came through and found one of the best woodworkers in all of Thedas, that woman is a godsend, truly." Cullen ran a hand through his hair and came up beside Ellana, placing his hands on the table and viewing the work. "This will do perfectly for our meetings, I won't have to squint so hard to see what I'm looking at." Ellana chuckled at his admission.

"My dear commander you must be getting old, your eyesight isn't what it used to be."

"So it would seem." His eyes lingered on her for a moment, as if memorizing her face. He broke the silence. "Inquisitor?"

She looked up at him expectantly "Hm?"

"Do you -I mean..." His hand came up to rub the back of his neck awkwardly. Ellana thought for a fleeting moment that his hair looked longer than it should, had he not cut it in a while? "Do you like cats?"

She laughed at the question. "Do I like cats?" How familiar...

"Yes, cats, you know the precious little furballs..."

Why was this conversation so familiar?

"I know what cats are, Cullen..."

"Ah, well you see-"

A sound stopped him mid sentence. They both turned to see a figure standing just feet behind them. Cullen spoke first, but his voice didn't seem like his own. "Ah, _Solas_ , I thought you were out doing...I don't know, _things you do_." Ellana watched as her commander bore holes into their visitor. Weird, Cullen was never so defensive when it came to Solas, she noticed a blue hue emanating from him.

Was it Lyrium? Had he been taking it again? Cullen no...

"You should _leave_." _That voice_.

Ellana felt her heart beat quicken as she turned her attention back to Solas. The long auburn hair... _no not again_. It wasn't as confusing as it had been the first time, she noticed they were in The Fade almost instantly. Cullen's image washing away into nothing as he tried to reach for her. Another memory being played out. Why did this place torment her so? Why did Fen'harel always find her?

 _May The Dread Wolf never hear your footsteps..._

She could see it then, the six eyes of the wolf just beyond him in the dark corridor. It watched her, unblinking. Fixated.

"You are trying to avoid me." It was a statement not a question. Ironic, she had spent so much time searching for him only to lose him again, and then another three years before she'd be graced by his presence once more, only to have him destroy everything she held dear. And now _he_ felt avoided.

"Which do you want, Fen'harel? You want me to leave and now you want me stay?" there was a bitterness in her voice. She was tired of his games, she was tired of how fickle he seemed. She couldn't read his stance, she didn't understand what he wanted. He was pulling her apart from the inside and she was sure he could hear the blood pumping through her veins, her nerves were on edge. A hand moved to her throat protectively.

"Ellana, we need to talk about Cole." he bypassed her question entirely. Typical.

"What about him."

"What you have done...it needs to be reversed, before it's too late. It will consume you-"

"I don't need your help Dread Wolf, I already have someone who is willing to teach me. I don't have to reverse anything." She watched as his eyes became slits at her words. Suspicion lacing his entire demeanor.

"Who?" the word sounded hateful as it fell from his lips. _What was this?_ Was he, in his own twisted way, jealous? What right did he have to be? She bit the inside of her cheek , feeling the anger bubble up.

"Someone who I can rely on, you don't need-"

"Dorian knows little of Spirits or how they work, he is just as blind as the rest of them, he can not help you, _vhenan_ " So he thinks it's Dorian now. She could see him calculating as she let the use of the endearment fall off of her, steeling herself as she felt it try to sink its claws into her resolve. She wouldn't let him manipulate her again.

"I'm not talking about Dorian."

The Dread Wolf approached her, a mere foot between them now.

"Then _do_ tell." He was looking down his nose at her, the very portrait of some haughty noble scrutinizing a dirty peasant. The clasps in his hair glinting in the pale light of The Fade. There was contempt there. She returned the look, gathering herself, readying herself.

"Why do you care so much? You left me to die, why does my life matter now? Is it that..." She trailed off mulling over her train of thought, deciding to take the leap. Any reaction she could get from him would be helpful. "...you fear what I have done? Does this make me a potential problem for your grand scheme? Are you afraid of the power I have acquired through Cole?" He stood motionless, his expression not changing for what felt like eons. No indication that anything she said had been even remotely on the mark. He was better at this than her, he had a millennia of experience.

"Don't be foolish, this is only the calm before the storm, you haven't even begun to deal with what your actions have inevitably lead you towards."

"Enlighten me."

"Ellana, for the sake of Cole, let me reverse this." she faltered some at the sincerity in his voice. His disposition relaxing as he leaned forward, placing his hands on her shoulders. The touch sent fire through her, she hated herself for reacting to it. Where he could remain stone she was like molten lava.

She felt herself being pulled towards him, she wanted to flee but she was caught, entangled in his gaze. Enthralled. She watched as a smile played at the corner of his lips, the scar on his brow was clear as day, _he was so close_. Her body shivered when she felt his breath on her, waves of satisfaction washing throughout as his forehead touched her own. His left hand came to rest on her cheek, tracing small circles along her jaw with his thumb. She inhaled the scent of him deeply, he was all earth and petrichor, nothing like Dorian. He was primal, nature itself.

He was Solas. The man standing before her clad in sheepskin with a wolf jaw around his neck - those ancient eyes staring back at her.

She felt herself break then. Quickly closing the gap between them, she crushed her lips on his own, relishing the feel of his arms wrapping tightly around her. Opening her mouth, inviting him in, gladly accepting the intrusion. She wanted him to devour her, she needed him to meld them together, entangle their being. His hands pulled her in closer as his height forced her head back so he could consume her more thoroughly. Her neck hurt but the feeling was delicious, Solas' body flush against her own, pressing into her, trying to fuze.

 _ **No...**_

She had barely heard the plea, somewhere deep in the shadows of her mind. It was faint. Who?

She felt his fingertips dig into her flesh, pulling a moan from her as he angled to deepen the kiss. Ellana let herself be lead by him, be lost in him. The voice in her head a faint whisper she was happy to ignore.

 _ **Please...don't...**_

Their breath mingled, she could hear Solas' growls of pleasure as he all but devoured her with his mouth. He was a primal force and it was smothering her senses. She wanted him to drown her in it, bathe her in his presence. Seep into every pore.

 _ **Ellana...he's..**_

Her name annoyed her. She didn't want to be her right now, she wanted to live in this moment. She wanted to feel only _him_ , cling to only _him_.

 _ **I'm scared, it hurts...please**_

And then something began to resonate in her core. It was small at first but it slowly began to creep into her consciousness. Tendrils wrapping themselves around her pleasure, corrupting it into anxiety. There was a desperation coming to life somewhere right below the surface. She could feel her lover's lips moving on her own, could feel as the heat of him tantalized her body into a most intimate reaction. But something was off. Even as she moaned in pleasure something lingered just beyond her consciousness. The edge of her mind was dark, and hazy.

 _ **I don't want to go!**_

 _Cole?_

It was Cole. She could feel him now, entirely. His desperation and anxiety coiling around her, he was clawing at her- trying to get her to notice him. _Begging her_. Ellana's eyes shot open as she pushed forcefully back from Fen'harel. Because it was Fen'harel now - the long auburn locks falling gracefully over his shoulder once more. She could see it clearly now, the eyes that lingered just behind him, the tendrils oozing from around him. He had used her longing for him to cloud her understanding of the situation. He had made her see Solas. She looked down, the inky substance was wrapped around her legs, slowly creeping up towards her.

 _No, god please no not again._ She remembered what he had done to her the last time. The suffocating feeling.. __

She was infuriated and she was terrified. Ellana looked desperately into the eyes of The Dread Wolf. How many? Were there two, were there six? Her breathing still labored from their physicality "How could you" But no words came out, her throat felt hoarse, _what had he done?_ It was like glass shattering as the realization dawned on her, his hand was around her throat, squeezing. She clawed at his arm - _survive Ellana_ \- her nails could do nothing to the Elvhen armor protecting him.

"Please..." She choked out. He looked at her then, really looked at her, two eyes, six eyes. There was a deep sadness.

"I have to do this, It's the only way _vhenan_." His grip tightened.

What? _Kill her?_ _Now?_ In The Fade? Wouldn't that make her Tranquil? He hated the Tranquil, how could he subject her to that fate? How could he cut her off from something so intrinsically tied to her? Something he held as an atrocity...how could he himself do it?

 _Ellana..._

She could feel the tears, the heat of them as they formed in her eyes.

 _Ellana_

The feeling of his lips still lingered on hers, the exquisite pain that brought to her now was unbearable. Fool. You _fool_. He played you again, you weak pathetic fool.

 _Ellana!_

She watched as the darkness emanating from The Dread Wolf receded some, his brow furrowing in confusion. "No, not now." his voice was more than a whisper, spoken to himself - and then a blinding light engulfed him, his hand relinquished her and she fell back, breathing in crisp cold air - Dorian's face hovered in her sight.

"Ellana! I... I couldn't wake you and you were convulsing, I thought you were dying." His hands went to her face, forcing her to focus on him "Ellana speak to me, are you ok? Can you talk?" Standing behind her friend, she could see Fenris - his eyes full of concern. _Really?_ She must still be dreaming, how could that ass look concerned?

 _Fenris means little wolf._

" _Fasta vass_...Ellana _your neck_..." Dorian's voice trailed off, stark confusion evident.

She broke down into tears then, sobbing uncontrollably as her time in The Fade came rushing back, the feel of his hand wrapped around her throat confused her senses so entirely, how could you love and hate something this much? She loathed it, she longed for it. She was lost. She was truly lost.

Hands slid under her, not Dorian's. She barely had time to register that Anders was lifting her from the ground before she was forced to encircle his neck with her arms for stability. He hushed her as he carried her over to where he had been sleeping, sitting her gently down, he took her arms from him, moving his pack closer, and pulling a vial out. "Drink this." She tried to examine what was in his hand but it was hard to see anything through the tears. "Trust me, Ellana."

Trust. What did that word even mean?

She stared dumbly at the vial, she couldn't deny it and she couldn't take it. Her body wouldn't go in either direction, she felt hollow. The only emotion was the sheer despair wreaking havoc on her. It was hard to breath. It was hard to _be_. Anders sighed and took her hand, wrapping the vial in it, using his own to close hers tightly. "Whatever _he_ did, Cole is partially severed from you. You won't be able to cope with that, and neither will he. I need to heal you but you can't be awake as I do, and..." He looked at her tenderly "And I won't send you back to The Fade in this state, I won't send you back to _him_. Drink this and you won't dream. _Please_ , Ellana"

How did he know...Fen'harel...

As if he could read the question on her face he answered. "I tried to stay...I've been keeping him out of your dreams these last few nights. He's stronger in The Fade than I could ever hope to be, I didn't hide you as well this time." Anders looked down, ashamed. "I'm sorry.."

Last few nights? Had he been playing the role of her dead friends, keeping her mind safe from Fen'harel? Why was he going out of his way for her, she barely knew him...

Anders took her hand in his once again, lifting the vial up toward her lips, removing the top. His eyes were blue now, hadn't they been amber?

"Drink"

She obeyed. Taking the vial and downing it in one gulp. She didn't want to exist anymore and maybe this would help. Ellana felt cold hands on her skin as the darkness enveloped her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Of Gods and Spirits**

 **Chapter 5**

The screaming had been...unpleasant. Solas found that It echoed even now through his memory. Flashes of Varric's face as the Somniar'ha'lam lifted him from the ground, as the blue lyrium infused tendrils from the orb beneath embedded themselves into the dwarf. Like veins. His face had been constricted in agony, a silent plea in how his mouth hung open. It was necessary.

 _It was all necessary._

The Tevinter Imperium had tried in vain to create an equal to this machine with the Magrallen. It had paled in comparison to the craftsmanship of his people, serving only to augment the powers of a madman. No, the Somniar'ha'lam was much more than an overly intricate foci. It had taken years to construct the magic that had created The Veil, _thousands of years_...he couldn't let it take equally as long to dismantle. This world didn't have the luxury of eons, and with his personal foci destroyed, he had to get creative.

 _Durgen'lin_. Dwarves. Children of Stone. A race long thought to be utterly devoid of magic, was in fact one of the stronger wielders of it. The only difference between them and the Elvhen was that theirs had relied on a hive connection, and like The Veil could sever his kind from The Fade, they too could be severed from their source. Unfortunately for them, it was far easier to do in comparison. Titans were both a strength of their kind and a resonating weakness, the wellspring of their powers made flesh. But flesh could be wounded, even that of stone, for it served to protect something within. And he had been the one to do it, they had praised Mythal, but it had been _him_. A mighty empire failed by his hand, an enemy utterly destroyed. Elvhenan had flourished afterwards, bright and beautiful. Strong.

Following the destruction of the Great Titan the dwarves had been subjugated to the Elvhen, something even he had not wanted to see. But that had ultimately been the deal, it left a bitter taste in his mouth. Solas mused at how long their true nature had been kept a secret, even to themselves. Though he supposed it was no different than the Dalish masquerading as masters of the lore of Ancient Arlathan.

 _"Get away from us, Shemlen"_

He could still remember the feeling he had when he'd come across the statues of The Dread Wolf outside of their little camp. The Trickster, The Great Betrayer, May The Dread Wolf never hear your steps...

He had been ostracized instantly because he lacked the _vallaslin_ they clung so tightly to. A badge of their heritage. __

The irony.

No, it really was no different. How hard he had fought, how much he had sacrificed and for what? To awaken to his people having destroyed themselves despite his great effort? Despite the ones who had worked so hard to keep them from this fate?

How could this have happened?

 _"You really have changed, Chuckles" Varric watched him, pity evident in his eyes._

 _He cocked his head to the side, regarding the dwarf with an arrogant smirk. "No, you just thought you knew me."_  
 _  
_That had been the point. The whole facade making him a wolf in sheep's clothing, hiding his intent under layers of evasion. He had presented himself as a pacifist. Not _entirely_ a lie. But he understood that without war you can have no peace, and he would finish what he started.

 _"Why am I alive, Solas?"_

 _Solas_.

 _It means pride._

 _It is Pride._

 _ **I am Pride.**_ __

He shook the memory away. He was a monster, there was no point in pretending as if he could hold himself accountable. His fate was sealed by his own hand. _Everything_ , he would sacrifice it all. It was necessary. _For the people...for his people._

 _Ar lath ma._

 _"Fen'harel"_ Abelas' voice brought The Dread Wolf back from his torment. He glanced up at the Sentinel, waiting.

 _"Inquisitor shia'en Dru'an'or'Mythal."_

 _Finally_. He knew where she was in the flesh. No more games with that mage of hers trying to hide her away in The Fade. Admittedly he had been taken aback some when he realized she wasn't alone in her dreams, where she had seen Cullen he had seen someone else. Whatever the man had done this time, it worked far better in hiding her from him. Abelas had been right, he should never have let her leave Skyhold, but he had been...distracted. He remembered the feel of her lips on his, closing his eyes against the lust it sent throughout his being. The longing. Ellana was his weakness, he knew that, he was excruciatingly aware of it. In all of his time in _Elvhenan_ , he had never been so strongly drawn to another thing, another _person_ , the way in which he was to her. He had left her to die in the courtyard because he knew full well he could not finish the job himself. His left hand squeezed into a fist a pulsating crackle of green light flared up in answer, he should have let the anchor consume her...He should have let her die.

He should have taken...

His chest hurt. He could hear her begging him to stop as he tried to detach Cole from her body. They both were in grave danger now... how had he done it? How had Cole merged so effortlessly like that? Solas had wanted the Spirit to garner more control of his ethereal side after becoming more human but now he found himself regretting it. He should have pushed to send Cole away like Vivienne had, but it didn't seem a necessary action at that point. He had been _harmless_.

 _"How do you feel, Cole, now that you dealt with the Templar?"_

 _"I don't know. He hurt me...hurt the real Cole. I'm angry at him." The boy shifted awkwardly from one foot to another, as if trying their weight. "I can't let that go. I have to become more, let it make me real."_

 _"You may well become fully human, after all. I never thought to see it." Again._

 _Blue eyes gazed into his own. "When did you see it before?"_

 _He had heard it. Somehow the boy had heard it._

 _"I did not say I had."_

 _Confusion crossed Cole's face at his reply. "No, you didn't. It's harder to hear, sometimes. Sorry."_

Solas stood, dismissing the magic resonating in his palm as well as the memory in his mind.

 _"Lasa'ir dara."_

The Sentinel nodded. _"Vin, Fen'harel."_

This time, there would be no choice. He had to sever them completely, even if one had to die in the process. 

Ellana stared across the broken bridge to the Temple of Mythal. How she had forgotten its destruction in her last visit, she didn't know.

"Well, _shit_." Lyna was beside her, assessing the situation, her arms crossed disapprovingly as she turned to Ellana. "I'm assuming this is your doing?"

"Mmm, not necessarily _mine_ , but yeah, kind of."

Dorian snorted. "You pulled the bridge apart to save Morrigan from being trampled down by a hoard of Red Templars. I'd say it _was_ _your_ doing, pet."

"Yeah but they _made_ me do it."

The magister regarded her suspiciously "Right, just like they _made_ you shatter half of the statues of Andraste in Emprise Du Lion, because they _made_ the perfect instant avalanche for the unsuspecting undead."

"Right."

 _"Right."_

"Oh for the love of the Maker you two are worse than children." It was Hawke who had pushed himself between them. " _Yes_ , Ellana _destroyed_ the bridge, but luckily Ellana specializes in rift magic, so she can also _repair_ it."

She stood there a moment weighing his words. "I suppose I could try, I may have had personal training in Rift magic but I never perfected it. Hence all the _de_ struction and none of the _con_ struction." Behind Hawke she caught Dorian's eyes lingering somewhere south of The Champion of Kirkwall's belt, a satisfied expression on his face. _Oh boy._

Merrill came up behind the Tevinter, placing a hand absentmindedly on his shoulder and placing her full attention on Hawke's behind as well, leaning in some. "What is it, is something on his rear?"

The sound that came from Dorian was something between surprise and denial, he cleared his throat, sputtering a little as the subject of their focus turned to face them. "On my rear?"

"No nothing, the girl is just being weird. What's new." A little too quick, a little too dismissive. Hawke narrowed his eyes.

A disgusted noise emanated from the back of the group. _Fenris_. Ellana couldn't help but smile, it reminded her of Cassandra, the way he was so open with his disdain of things.

Hawke changed his attention to the elf "What? My ass is quite nice, I can't blame him for staring at it."

Dorian blanched "Wha- I...she was just-"

"Can you fix the bridge, Inquisitor?" The voice was close and caused Ellana's senses to fire up. It was Anders, he had come up beside her as she watched the embarrassing scene unfold. She turned to face him, his blonde hair mostly loose from its tie, falling about his face. It complimented him somehow. One of his hands rested on the hilt of the sword at his waist, to her surprise even as a mage he did not use a staff, apparently Justice focused his powers effortlessly. She wondered if it would become like that for her with Cole.

"I'll try."

He smiled, his eyes traveling her face. Searching. He pulled back after a moment, breathing in deeply. "Ah, good. Wouldn't want to have to swim across now would we?" He was always falling in and out of seriousness, as if he himself couldn't quite attune to the proper personality. He had tried to make light of the situation the night before, after giving her the vial to drink, sending her into a dreamless sleep. Apparently Fen'harel had damaged her connection with Cole in some way - apparently he had also damaged her.

 _I have to do this..._

Ellana shivered as his voice crept into her mind. She thought she could hate him, she needed to hate him, but just thinking about him twisted her logic. He had a tight hold on her desires, absolutely negating her willpower. She was hopeless, utterly drawn to him, like a moth to the flame. Even knowing he had nearly choked the life from her only hours before, her body still longed for his touch.

 _I'm insane._

"Inquisitor?" A hand on her shoulder, cool and calming. She looked up to see Anders watching her. His amber eyes full of concern. _Ah_ , he must think she still hasn't fully recovered from the night before. He touched her neck gently leaning in to examine it more.

"It's alright Anders, I'm fine." She tried to arch away but he held her firmly. Her breath caught as his cold fingers traveled along the underside of her jaw, all thoughts of Fen'harel fleeing in their wake. He angled her face upwards, giving him a better view.

"Hmm, there is no bruising or any indication that I didn't do my job properly." his fingers slid across her skin, analyzing, methodical. She thought briefly of how different Anders' touch was in comparison to Solas'. How they were so opposite in feel.

"She looks fine to me" Lyna stated flatly as she walked by, grabbing the healer's hand and pulling him away unconcerned with his small protest. Ellana let out the breath she had been holding, bringing her own hand up to warm where his had been.

"Alright Inquisitor, do whatever it is you do." The Warden stood next Anders, ignoring the way his arms crossed, a look of irritation etched on his brow. He reminded her of a puppy that had been reprimanded for chewing on a boot. She grinned at him, watching his foot tap as he made it a point to look in the opposite direction of The Warden. _Such a kid._

 _ **I am ready**_

Right, Cole. It was strange how she could forget that he resided inside of her now, shared her skin.

 _Can we do this?_

 _ **Yes**_

Well, at least one of them was confident in her abilities. Ellana turned her attention to the expanse of water rushing through the opening of the broken bridge, lifting her arms, palms forward to amplify her ability to search for the rubble beneath the surface. It occurred to her then that she had no staff, she hadn't had one since the battle at Skyhold, when it had been shattered in her attempt at survival. She swallowed hard, how would she focus her magic? She'd never _not_ used a staff for things like this. Would she have to locate every piece without the aid of navigation?

 _ **No, it is not about the detail...intent...I will be your foci**_

Intent? _She needed a passage way, not a perfect bridge_. Her mind focused in sharply, it caught her off guard, the action had felt effortless and involuntary. Had Cole done it? The edges of her magic touched what she had been searching for under the water.

 _ **I'm helping**_

And then she was effortlessly pulling it up, rearranging it. Her arms enveloping in a bright golden glow, she felt as if someone stood behind her, guiding her movements as she brought her arms down and lifted them again, this time palms facing the sky, dragging the rubble completely from the water and placing them into position, rebuilding the pathway. Her hands closed tight of their own accord, light flashing in the cracks where the rocks were puzzled back together, sealing them. And then just as quickly as it had happened it ended. Before her was a usable bridge, not as beautifully crafted as it had been prior to the damage, but sturdy nonetheless. She beamed.

 _Cole, look!_

He didn't answer her but she could feel his satisfaction, like he was smiling in her mind's eye.

A curious voice from behind "That'll do." Lyna was clearly impressed. It made Ellana even happier. Ever since she was a child the Keeper of Clan Lavellan had been disappointed with the way in which Ellana was fickle in her capabilities. One day she could do the task effortlessly, the next it was hard for her to even spark fire for a camp. Her time as the Inquisitor had honed her skills in the Primal Arts, but she still could not quite grasp the realm of Spirit or Creation, and in consequence she avoided Entropy altogether. So when Leliana came to her about a one on one with a master of Rift Magic she had been elated, albeit a little nervous. On her journeys she marveled at the way Solas used his magic, it was like a dance, some invisible song only he could hear. And even before the revelation of who he really was came into play he had been a force on the battlefield, raining fiery death from above, his ability to control the gravity around them had been invaluable. She wanted so badly to be that strong, so she took the lessons in secret, wanting to surprise him. In a way she thought learning Rift Magic would bring them closer together... after all she had the anchor, how could magic that emanated from The Fade be hard for her to master with such an edge

But the anchor hadn't truly been hers, and she remained in the beginner stages. Ashamed, and disappointed in herself. It felt like she had failed to once again equalize herself to Solas. He was knowledgeable, he was adept in his capabilities, _masterful_ even, and she...she was a novice at best, in all things.

 _"Can you train me?"_  
 _  
Solas looked up from the book he'd been engrossed in for the last hour, the candlelight illuminating his features. Sharp yet delicate. She loved the way he looked when he read. Something serene about it, as if his natural disposition was the intake of knowledge._

 _"Train you?"_

 _"I want to learn Rift Magic" He eyed her intently, his gaze traveling to her left hand where the anchor buzzed softly._

 _"I don't think it is wise for you to pursue that particular school." His words tugged at her heart. But how could she get closer to him? Every step she took forward he shadowed with a step away. Did he even like her? They'd only ever kissed once and it was in The Fade...they hadn't even spoke about it since. When she would try to initiate some kind of flirting he would withdraw. She stared down at her hands, her shoulders slumping in defeat. Why was she so twisted in knots over one kiss, he's probably already forgotten it by now. The anchor flared some, mirroring her anxiety, a dull ache pulsing through her palm. She grimaced at it._

 _"Ellana..." Looking up she was surprised he stood right in front of her now, his form casting a shadow upon her small figure. Solas held her gaze as he leaned forward, a mere inches from her face. She felt his hand entangle in her own, the anchor fizzling in response as if reacting to his presence. Calming. All of her questions of why disappeared when his lips met hers, softly. The kiss was chaste and sweet, no sense of urgency, but it electrified her, sending wave after wave of want to her very core. Her knees felt weak and her clothes felt heavy. Gods he was all consuming even in the smallest of gestures. She whimpered some when Solas pulled away, breaking the kiss, his face remained close to her own however, breath tickling her skin._

 _His eyes were still closed as he spoke. "I remember"_

Ellana pulled herself from her thoughts as they crossed over her handiwork. Merrill was ahead of her, head moving from side to side as the Dalish took in the sight of the temple. They passed under the large doorway that had been sealed tight after her last visit, sometime between then and now it had been reopened and left that way. Convenient. Were the Sentinels gone? Had they all joined Fen'harel's army, abandoning their geas to Mythal? Though she supposed it wasn't quite abandonment if her theory was correct, somehow Solas had acquired what little of Mythal remained from Flemeth. There was no mistaking the color she had seen in his eyes back at Skyhold. It had been a perfect match to Morrigan's mother. That would make him _two_ gods worth of power. She hoped she was wrong, Fen'harel had seemed enough already.

"This place is _marvelous_ , truly a testament to the beauty of ancient Arlathan." Merrill spun around inside the entry hall, eyes full of glee at the sight they beheld.

"It's a _ruin_." Fenris stated the fact as if he was the only one who had noticed it. The blood mage stopped and placed her hand on her hip, the other gripping her staff tightly.

"You _don't_ say? I'm so glad you could volunteer that bit of knowledge, Fenris, really quite helpful."

There was a beat of silence as Fenris and Merrill stared at each other before Hawke broke into boisterous laughter actually doubling over, hands around his waist. "I've _never_ heard her use sarcasm properly before." his sentence broken up between fits of humor.

Isabela piped in "Oh I don't know, I think it is rather...intricate for a ruin. It would be better if there were a bed. Come to think of it, for as many ancient Elfy ruins I have been in, I've never once seen a bed. The ancient Elves must've been a _boring_ lot."

"They didn't sleep in the way we do." Ellana offered.

The rogue grinned slyly at her "I wasn't thinking about _sleeping_."

 _Oh..._

"I'm surrounded by children." Lyna huffed as she shook her head as if she could shrug off their banter, she looked as irritated as Fenris.

"Or experts." Isabela's reply had Dorian snorting, giving her a knowing look. _  
_  
Another noise of disgust crawled out of Fenris as he rolled his eyes turning away and stomping back the way I had come, he unsheathed his sword and planted himself on the ground, staring out over the bridge Ellana had reconstructed, spine stiff, looking very much the part of the child referenced earlier. _Well, ok then._ Isabela grinned as she trailed after him, clearly finding the whole thing as funny as Hawke and Dorian did. Birds of a feather...

"Are we quite done?" The Hero of Fereldan was pacing in front of the same stone statue Morrigan had read from on their past visit. When they hadn't known of the vir'abelasan hidden within or the deliberate omission of its presence by the daughter of Flemeth. Hawke stood up, wiping the last tears from the corner of his eyes as Merrill stared dubiously at him. She seemed caught between feeling praised and feeling insulted. Ellana silently empathized, Iron Bull had made her feel that way on more than one occasion, it only got worse when Sera chimed in.

She missed them.

"Yes, _yes_ we're done. So what now? We all just wonder about until we find whatever it is you're looking for here?" The Champion of Kirkwall turned about, his eyes landing on Anders for a moment before traveling back to Lyna. Shale stood silently at the entrance, unsurprisingly like a statue.

The Warden regarded the Elvhen writing on the statue a moment longer. "First things first. We're splitting up, I don't want to be followed into the temple's sanctum so I'm leaving Shale, Fenris, Isabela, Dorian, and _you_ here to guard the entrance." She turned and faced Ellana. "Do you remember your way around?"

"Barely."

"Better than nothing I suppose. Hawke, can you make sure our guest makes it to us when they arrive?"

 _Guest?_

"I doubt they'll need my help."

"Even so, make sure." Lyna turned back to the hall leading deeper into the temple, making her way casually there as she shifted her bow on her back, effectively giving her quicker access to it. The auburn of her hair glinted in the streams of light peering through the cracks and holes in the ceiling. Her vallaslin practically glittered here, as did Merrill's. "Ellana, Anders, Merrill, and I will make our way there now." The blood mage hurried to catch up with her as Anders brushed past Ellana, trailing behind.

Hawke folded his arms, making a gesture with his eyebrows "Well, you should _probably_ keep up."

Right. She glanced at Dorian seeing her friend give her a nod of encouragement. "I'll be here when you get back, pet."

She smiled. "You better be."

"Oh, I don't disappoint. _Ever_." Her smile faltered some as Dorian let his eyes slide over to Hawke, placing an insinuation on the last word. _Maker's breath_...did Dorian understand that Hawke was his equal in this territory? Flirting seemed to be the way the magister coped with most things, and after the loss of Iron Bull, maybe this made him feel better in a way. She silently gave her blessing. If anything did actually happen between the two, she hoped it didn't end badly.

She hoped it wouldn't hurt Anders.

Dorian took a brisk step forward and gave Ellana a little push towards the way the others had gone. She begrudgingly allowed her feet to move, she really didn't want to make this journey again. She didn't want to see the statues that would remind her of someone she'd rather forget altogether or the implications that their presence in this place made. She vaguely remembered the path in the temple as her first visit had been rushed and overshadowed by the looming presence of Corypheus, so as not to get lost she quickened her pace, catching up with the others.

The hall was long and dark, but there was a clear visible light at the end, she knew it would open into another grand room, full of Elvhen decor and mosaics. The _Evanuris_ would be watching her once again. She touched her face, remembering that Mythal's vallaslinno longer rested on her brow.

 _You are so beautiful..._

No, she'd thought about him enough today. Ellana turned her attention to Anders, who lingered some behind the other women. He stopped and looked over his shoulder, as if her eyes had beckoned him, making a gesture with his arm for her to catch up. She obliged and they walked silently side by side until they reached the end of the hall. Merrill and Lyna were already halfway through the large room, taking note of the obvious moveable tiles on the floor. "Was this some sort of puzzle?" Merrill mused.

"Yes, they're pressure plates, you had to light them all in a specific pattern. I'm not sure what relevance they had in the ways of the Elvhen."

"Hmm possibly some ritual to do with movement? Maybe they had to be lit up during a ceremony? Dancing?"

For the fact that Merrill was a blood mage she did seem to latch onto romantic notions easily. It added to the strangeness of her person. Confusing that she was, in fact, a blood mage, and confusing that after being made privy to that knowledge, she was also... _whatever this was_. Naive? There wasn't a good word to describe her. She was just, _Merrill_.

 _ **Cheerful, charming, and changed - she carries a weight she knows will kill her**_

The color drained from Ellana's face at Cole's words.

"Inquisitor, what's wrong?" The Dalish girl asked, concern on her face in place of the curiosity she had before.

 _ **She hurts...it is deep and dark the color of blood, self inflicted, damaging**_

A hollow feeling nestled tightly in Ellana's chest, there was so much despair, it was suffocating. The sense of self loathing that bubbled up from her core, she looked at Merrill again, a newfound understanding of her entwined around her heart. The blood mage held her gaze, evident worry in her bright green eyes. She could see a shadow looming over Merrill, great and dark. It was tethered to the young elf, and somehow Ellana knew what it was. How could someone so disgustingly _sweet_ house that kind of hatred? That kind of madness? How did she not scream and claw at her own flesh? There were broken pieces of glass and they cut deep, blood streaming from her as she lay in the courtyard of Skyhold, broken and regretful. Her left arm began to feel numb. The weight of her failure anchoring itself to her and dragging her down...  
 _  
No, Cole, I can't do this right now, it's too much. I can't separate hers and mine...please_

Instantly the feeling dissipated. She let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding, bending over, her hands on her knees as she breathed in deeply, relishing the light feel she had now. Anders placed a hand on her back, kneeling down beside her. "Are you alright?" She shook her head in response. Cole had come to the forefront, dominating her senses, she could feel what he could, and he could feel _Merrill_. It was amazing the kind of insight he had because of this ability, it opened so much up, but it also overwhelmed Ellana, she had trouble with her own emotions currently, how could she filter through someone else's?

 _ **I am sorry...**_

 _No, no it's alright. Just warn me next time..._

 _ **Yes**_

She stood up straight again, plastering a smile on her face. "I'm alright, just..tired, I haven't traveled so much in a long time. I guess I got comfortable holed up at Skyhold."

The Hero of Fereldan raised an eyebrow as if to say _"bullshit"_ but she didn't press the issue further. Instead opting to direct them deeper into the Temple of Mythal.

It was around an hour later when they reached the inner sanctum, ascending the stairs to the area the Well of Sorrows had occupied. It was bone dry except for a few small scattered puddles. _Odd_ , wouldn't they have been gone by now? Ellana chalked it up to rain. There was no reason for any part of the well to have been left behind when Morrigan took it.

Her eyes traveled up to the Eluvian. Shattered thoroughly. How Lyna was going to find a use in its remains was a mystery. What use she had, was also still itching at Ellana's paranoia.

"Well, Merrill?" The odd elf walked over to the mirror, examining the pieces strewn about.

"I could probably do it much faster than I thought, the shards don't seem to have moved too awfully far."

Ellana narrowed her eyes. "Do _what_?" Any time Eluvians were involved it never ended well, and she didn't like the idea of Merrill tinkering in any way with this particular one, it had been intrinsically tied to Mythal.

"Repair it. I have a spell I've created that will hasten the process, much faster than the last one I did..." Her tone was mind numbingly cheerful considering the context.

 _The last one? She's repaired multiple Eluvians? For what reason?_ "You've got to be kidding me..."

"Oh no, I'm very serious, this one will work much better than the one I have at home, I think mine is meant for communication purposes only, you can walk much more comfortably through the width of the one here..." _The one she had at home?_ She has an Eluvian in her _house_? Merrill's voice trailed off as Ellana mulled over her words. This was a _blood mage_. A _blood mage_ that was about to cast a spell to rebuild an _Eluvian_. An ancient _Elvhen_ artifact that could be used to travel over distances immeasurable and into _The Fade itself_. There were _demons_ in The Fade. _Lots of demons._ Bringing her back to the fact that Merrill was a _blood mage_.

"Are we sure this is a good idea?" A feeble attempt that she knew would do no good as The Hero of Fereldan would see this through. Ellana had only known her for a span of a week, but it was already apparent that there wasn't much you could do when she had a _plan_. And that _plan_ involved the rescue of her lover. Which in the ream of things, who was she to pass judgment in that area?

"It's as good as I have right now. And like I said, your presence has streamlined some things for me." Lyna fixed Ellana with a knowing look. "After all, you've used this particular one before have you not?"

"Well, yes, but I didn't activate it, it was all a blur really, and it opens right into Skyhold-"

"No" Merrill spoke quickly, overzealous "Skyhold is one of the possible linked destinations but the connection is not _fixed_. I thought that once as well, but you can actually go to multiple locations through one Eluvian. I haven't found one that goes to a nice sunny beach yet, I'm keeping my hopes high though." She looked far away for a moment. "The reason this one is so special is because we know that it will have the potential destination of-"

"How _long_ will it take Merrill?" Anders this time, was that impatience in his voice?

"Oh, I don't know a few minutes?"

Ellana blanched. _A few minutes? She could repair this thing in just a few minutes?_ This removed any ability for her to mentally prepare for what was to come next. If there _were_ demons she'd better get ready now.

"You might want to be on guard, sometimes things go flyin' about."

Lyna took her bow off her shoulder, pulling an arrow and notching it loosely, giving a nod to Merrill. The blood mage returned the gesture and and took her staff, lifting it into the air, a red hue beginning to emanate from the ornate metalwork curved on top. She began to speak in low tones, a language spilling forth from her, deep and elegant. For a moment Ellana could have sworn it was Elvhen, but the more she listened the more unfamiliar it became, dancing about the wind. Almost tangible like it crawled across her skin. There was a crackling feeling in the air, as if something was right on the edge of culminating.

Anders moved beside her then, placing himself slightly between Ellana and her view of Merrill and the Eluvian. It irritated her a little. Quelling the urge to shove him to the side, Ellana crossed her arms, she felt like a child but she couldn't stop herself. Did she look so frail as to need constant protection? She was the _Inquisitor_ , The Herald of Andraste, Dragonsbane, First of Clan La- a burst of energy erupted from the shattered Eluvian, sending her staggering back as Anders reached for her, steadying them both. What the actual _fuck_. _Ok, maybe she did need some help._ Humbling.

Ellana grasped Anders' forearms feeling him lift her so that she could put her feet back on the ground, she glanced up and felt her breath hitch as she took in the sight of him. Blue light swirled in his eyes, the same pulsing color she found there also radiated from newly formed cracks about his skin. They reminded her of rivers on a map, traveling across him in jagged and curved paths. It took her a moment to notice that the wind had stopped, the power that had knocked her off her feet being effectively blocked by some sort of shield around them. If it was a barrier, it was the strongest one she had ever seen. And then realization came crashing down. This...this was _Justice._ Or at least this was the Spirit's enhancement of the mage's capabilities. Anders' eyes remained fixed to her until they slowly returned to a normal shade of blue...weren't they amber? He blinked rapidly as if waking up. "Are you alright?" The second time he'd asked her that today. She really has been playing the damsel role for quite some time now.

"Yes... I wasn't expecting-" A metallic sound interrupted her, repetitive and loud. They both looked in unison, her fingers dug into his skin as she noticed what was causing it. The shards of the Eluvian were soaring throughout the air, hitting the barrier as they flew past creating sparks with their velocity. Had he not shielded them they would've surely been ripped to shreds by the storm of glass. Terror gripped her then. _Oh gods_...she scrambled upright, freeing herself of Anders' as she desperately searched for Lyna, relief washed over her when she found The Warden on her knees, bow still in hand and head ducked down, what amazed Ellana however, wasn't the survival of woman but the blue orb wrapped around her. Somehow Anders had created multiple ones at different locations. Even the most adept mages could barely get the normal ones right...yet he had placed _two_ separate incredibly _strong_ ones at the same time, and he made it seem effortless.

Is this what Cole could do for her? Would she be able harness that kind of power without the anchor?

They stood there silently, watching the pieces of Eluvian glint in the light as they encircled the eye of the storm, Merrill. She hadn't moved, the staff still raised slightly above her, the strange language traveling on the wind around them. Upon further inspection Ellana realized that the shards were falling into place like puzzle pieces on the mirror. It was slowly _rebuilding itself_. Light seeped through their boundaries, humming red. Once it began the process of repairing it went quickly, each whirl of the shards leaving more and more in their place until finally it was complete. There was a beat, a space of peace, and then an abrupt sound, like all of the air in the room was being sucked into a vaccum, an abyss. _Into the Eluvian_. The red light pulsated brightly before it faded away completely, leaving a fully intact mirror once more. No signs of its previous destruction, the shards had refused, entirely seamless.

The barrier dropped away, Anders sinking to his knees. Despite Ellana's previous assumption It had definitely taken a toll on him, it hadn't even occurred to her what amount of concentration, even with the aid of Justice, had went into keeping them both intact.

She barely heard Merrill's "Tada!" lighthearted and careless, like she hadn't just created a death vortex a few minutes earlier. She placed her hand on the healer's shoulder, leaning down next to him, searching his eyes when he looked to her. "Are _you_ alright?" he smiled at the slight jab at his identical concern from earlier.

"I'll be fine... haven't done that in a while, I'm out of practice. Garrett hasn't been chasing after elder gods lately..."

"You're getting soft..." She teased, garnering a small chuckle. The use of Hawke's first name was filed away into her mind for later.

Ellana side-eyed him, he _seemed_ ok outwardly but she could tell that the light that represented Justice had gone dimmer, barely noticeable against his own aura. Anders spoke again before she could say anything "It's alright." his eyes telling her silently that he knew what she was thinking. She relented, there was no point in questioning him when it was clear he knew more about his resilience, and probably more about hers as well at this point. The Cole situation was still new, and she felt like a child feeling in the darkness, helpless and lost when it came to their _connection_. Even Cole himself hadn't been very helpful, popping in and out depending on the situation. The aid he lended her at the bridge was nice but...he was gone as quickly as he had appeared, leaving her alone in her head. She knew he was there at all times, but he didn't seem to make much effort to explain anything to her until she was currently dealing with it - like feeling Merrill's emotions instead of her own, or when she would...Ellana stopped her train of thought. She didn't want to think about the way she corrupted Cole's innocence with her own taint. Not now at least.

"For fucks _sake_ Merrill, you could've warned me about the flying blades of death." Lyna's voice sounded strained, like she was grinding her words out through her teeth.

" _Ah_ , well I did say that-" the blood mage clamped her mouth shut when The Hero of Fereldan lifted her hand signaling her to be quiet.

"No, forget it, we're alive, I don't even care." She glanced to Anders "Thank you."

He nodded, climbing back to his feet, Ellana followed him. The Eluvian was a swirling blue liquid metal just behind Merrill.

Lyna moved towards it, gently placing her hand on its surface, it reacted to her touch, rippling. And then she pushed her hand through up to her elbow, bringing it back out to the wrist, turning to look at them, placing her eyes on Ellana. "Alright, looks like it's working properly."

"Well, that's a _relief_ , I'm glad someone's willing to just go stick their arm in it."

The Warden smirked. "That's what I do, I get my hands dirty...once we go through we'll need to move quickly'

"What exactly is on the other side?" Ellana didn't actually care to know the answer, she didn't care to be a part of this at all if she were being honest.

"A Thaig."

"Ah, _real_ helpful, considering the numerous amounts of Thaigs there are." And the numerous amount of spiders, deepstalkers, and _darkspawn_ that crept in their shadows.

If there was something Ellana despised more than Eluvians it was the Deep Roads. Great. Wonderful. _Fine_ , if Lyna wouldn't tell her which Thaig maybe she would tell her what exactly in said Thaig they were going there for. "Can I at least know what exactly is in this _mysterious_ Thaig that we are venturing to the _sunniest_ place in all of Thedas for?" She heard Anders chuckle at her sarcasm.

"Just need to meet with someone, and they need to meet you."

Ellana closed her eyes for a moment, pressing down her urge to scream. The Hero of Fereldan could be infuriating sometimes. The notion that she was having to go to a place she already loathed to meet someone she was sure she didn't want to meet ground at her nerves even more, she clenched and unclenched her hands.

"Whatever, I don't even _care_. Let's go."

Well, _at least there had been no demons_ , thought Ellana dryly. With the raining shards of glass, she didn't think it would've ended well for anyone. She watched as Merrill all but hopped through the portal, followed by Lyna. Anders had his eyes on her, waiting.

 _Right_. She couldn't be the last to go through, as much as she considered them her friends at this point she was still a wildcard. It was logical. It still burned a little. She sighed deeply and approached the Eluvian. She absolutely _hated_ traveling through these things. They tricked the senses, one would think they were about to pass through water, with the way the liquid swirled and undulated when touched, but instead it was like air. Like _nothing_. No matter how many times she had used them, which at this point was numerous after having chased Solas through his mountain top sanctuary, she always made the miscalculation of pushing too hard and too fast through. To her dismay this had the after effect of sending her hurtling to the floor on the other side, which she found herself doing now, closing her eyes bracing for the inevitable impact she would soon feel.

Except, there wasn't any. Hands encircled her waist halting her descent. Had Anders followed her directly through, was he catching her once more? She gasped, instinctively latching onto the arms that had slithered around her. She felt fur and metal, and her body lit up like an inferno at the realization. Anxiety quickly replacing her earlier contemptuous demeanor. She tried to pull free but only succeeded in being lifted forcefully up, back colliding with her captor. Her eyes darted around in a panic, trying to gather her bearings. There were Eluvians _everywhere_. Some dormant, some active - others missing large pieces, broken. This was most definitely _not_ The Deep Roads. The relief she felt upon realizing this was quickly snuffed out by the new awareness of where she actually was. _The Crossroads_ , at least that's what Morrigan had dubbed the eerily calm place. Ellana noticed she could see reflections in some of Eluvians, the ones no longer in use, her eyes landed on the one straight ahead, adorned by two dragons, already knowing who she would see in the reflection. She wondered briefly if the others had made it through to the original destination. She hoped they had. She didn't want them here, she didn't want them in _his_ presence. They were safer in the Deep Roads.

She steeled herself as her eyes came to rest on The Dread Wolf.


End file.
